Thursday Day 52

Getting back on the horse. Feeling much better. Putting more into my exercises. Jumping more again.

Whew.

I hope that was the big valley...???

Took a friend through beautiful Vermont yesterday - up over the mountain (Smuggler's notch), took a dip in a very cold mountain stream, ate healthy all day - even with a dinner out (

italian restaurant - had chicken with marsala sauce which was maybe a little over the border but not much - lots of wonderful veggies. No pasta or bread. And no glass of WINE....)

I'm enjoying weighing less. There seems to be quite an adjustment going on in my body, however, energy levels are confused, I'm getting the message to rest but I get so much sleep at night that I know I don't really need it. It has been a pretty quick weight loss (I've been on the two pounds a month less for the last year and a half) and this time it is more like 2 pounds a week. I've never lost weight this quickly.

What I've lost mostly is an addiction to food - eating for comfort. Eating to cover up painful life experience. I no longer have the impulse to cover up what is happening in me. Food is looking quite a bit more like fuel. That is new. Freedom. A wonderful thing, really, to be released from a kind of compulsion to simply eat for the sake of eating and not connect it with my body's need for energy.

Day 51 oh my God my age...

I am feeling my age today. Which means I feel wise, determined, and tired.

I am heading out to jump after reading Naoko's inspirational blog about Patrick pushing her to keep going and not give into defeatism. We can push our bodies much farther than we think we can.

Okay.

I will report back later.

SundayMondayAahhhhh

Okay. It's a blur. Feeling a bit better but still so TIRED.... Augh. I think I was dehydrated. My blood pressure was very low. Sunday was so busy, I literally dragged myself home after driving all over creation. Oh the slow country life. Ha. Everyone in Vermont drives huge distances to work. Idiotic.

Stop whining.

Saw the relatives of my ex-husband this past weekend who all said I look great. What are you doing? Oh my God you look so much younger! I was too tired to explain everything so I just said, "Oh this and that. A little less of this and a little more of that."

I did not exercise yesterday. I'm telling you the truth, I could hardly walk up the stairs. So this morning I went out and for my indulgence I had an everything bagel, toasted and dripping with butter. It was great. I was very careful to measure everything today and I drank tons of water. I am feeling better but I still am weak. I'm going to exercise tonight, however. Psyching myself up for the picnic table.

Haven't checked the blogs for the day yet. Hope that you are all feeling more energetic...

Saturday

The lady in the center of this picture is Edith Mikkelsen. She's 100 years old. She has always been active. Thin. I went to visit her, she lives in her own home, her son recently came to live with her, and she was doing her taxes. She said, "Don't tell anyone, I don't want to do anybody else's!" Notice she doesn't wear glasses.

Now to me.

Yesterday I felt sick - not in the regular way like the flu or a cold. But deeply tired to the point that I simply couldn't do regular things. So I rested today. Ate carefully. Drank a lot of water. Am feeling much better! Still a little tired but not that overwhelming feeling that I could hardly walk up the one flight of stairs to my apartment.

Facing the valley. Took pictures today but couldn't figure out how to link it with flickr. They don't look much different although I've continued to lose weight this week. Man I have so much weight to lose. There must be muscles under there some where.... Where?

Hard not to get discouraged. I might only be half way through, however, so I'd better get healthy.

Friday Fatigue

Weight loss fatigue. Whew. I was so tired today.

And jumping. Yes. I don't like it. Trying to be positive.

One day at a time.

Thursday Heat Wave

I have always found four leaf clovers.

It is 90 degrees and almost 8pm. I went over to the park bench. Stretching, sweating, swearing, etc... you know the drill.

Why, I asked myself, have I always found four leaf clovers?

Well, I said, panting, because I look for them.

Duh, I answered wittily.

Seriously. I don't look for 3 leaf clovers I only look for ones with 4 leaves. It saves so much time.

So then I started doing my training and my looking and I realized that (big drum roll) looking at 3 leaf clovers and despairing at how many of them exist is like focusing on how many jumps I can't do or how far I am from perfection in general. There is much imperfection in me. Like 3 leaf clovers, my imperfection populates my life. Why focus on it? I'm not interested in finding that!

I want the perfect moments.

I want 4 leaf clovers.

I want the 3 sets of lunges I CAN do. I want the 38 seconds of the plank that I DO manage.

Tonight I found eleven 4 leaf clovers.

Oh - awesome food today - chicken with corn (stripped off the cob) grilled onions and garlic. And a bit of rice. And some avocado.

Wednesday Day 44 Halfway

White bleeding hearts in the shade of my friend's porch. True Vermont image.

Halfway.

For someone of my overweightness and general lack of fitness I think this program is going to take quite a bit longer to reach a peak condition place. That's okay. It took a long time to get this way so it makes sense that it will take time to return to my natural body. I never lost the weight I gained in pregnancy (Tara!) and that was 16 years ago. Add working like a dog, under lots of pressure, divorce, single momness and lack of funds... eating becomes a way to get through the day. To distract myself from unhappiness. As a pastor it is an acceptable addiction...I ate my way through troubles. Eating had little to do with nutrition.

But I am headed in the right direction and much faster than I thought I ever could.

I don't see this "diet" changing at the end of 3 months. I really like it. I feel good. I feel more even, although some days, like today, I am quite tired. But I haven't eaten enough protein in the past few days - to be honest. This past week has been very hot and I've mostly eaten tuna fish sandwiches and eggs. Also there has been lots of stress (I love my mother but whew!!).

The diet is becoming simply the way I eat. I am absolutely not tempted by sugar or salt. Or, and this is the most surprising, my beloved cheese. The one thing I miss is a glass of wine in the evening. That is the one thing that is still very tempting.

Well...maybe I'll become a wino.

Exercising... I know I am not as good at it as most people who do this program. I'm simply very unathletic. Always have been. Was always the kid chosen last for every team. (In grade school they would GIVE me to the other side...free...like an extra...) But I am doing, again, much better than I thought I could.