Final Post

The flesh has changed but more than that, as my PCP comrades understand, my body is my own again. In the first picture, which is I admit a fairly dreadful picture, I was so ashamed to be "seen in this body." As if it were not even mine. Yes I had been working on losing weight, and had lost over 25 pounds in the year previous. But what has changed is not just my weight loss but who I am.

This program has brought me back to myself.

Through a combination of common sense diet, simple (and hard) exercise, and the support of incredible people who live around the world, I was able to make decisions that lead me back to life.

Look at this elegant babe:

Naoko, my sweet age mate.

Royce, shooting star blazing and gone.

Elena, elegant striving New Yorker.

Jenny, honest, beautiful yearning young woman.

Kowhai, down under loyal, plain speaking achiever.

Tara, mother, eloquent thinker, posting essays each time.

Patrick, stern Zen master.

My eternal thanks for walking this journey with me.

May the road rise to meet us

May the wind be always at our back

May you remember that we are never alone

while we still have the courage to reach out

To strive for the Peak.

Much love,

Deborah

Day 90

Wonderful day. Church went great... Vermont this time of year is about as beautiful as life gets.

Didn't have time to take pictures. Or didn't want to quite end. Not quite yet. Putting it off a little while.

I'll do it tomorrow.

This has been a splendid journey.

Thanks to Patrick for offering leadership and wisdom. Thanks to all of my companions who shared so much of their lives with me for the summer. Thanks to myself for doing it even though I am not exactly an athlete.

Biking was supposed to be my activity and I've only recently been riding.

Yesterday I was riding it and I got off and noticed, for the first time (I've had the bike for two years) that the word "TOPEAK" is on the back of it.

To Peak.

How wild is that?

I'll write more (you know me.....full of it) tomorrow when I post the final pictures.

Thinking of you all, dotted around this blue world, brave and I think, tonight, smiling.

Love.

Friday Night

I can feel us all stepping back slightly, after being so caught up in this new reality. Preparing to reengage in the world.

Had a bone density scan today. I have very healthy, strong, big bones.

Thinking of you all as we coast (every single one of us) to Victory.

With Gratitude.

Thursday

We're almost done. At least together.

Exercises are excruciating. Yahoo.... At least I can be happy about failing.

I reach failure quickly. My special talent.

Vanity

Oh dear. Took pictures today. Thought if I went out on my little porch in natural lighting it might be better. It isn't! I have lost weight, gotten so much stronger, better cardiovascular health (still a long way to go), gained muscle, lowered cholesterol, and yet I am lumpy and the weight I've lost seems to have left me looking rather....well... older.

Maybe it will take my body a while to adjust. I couldn't even put the other pictures on here. I can see some difference if I look closely, but mostly I see these lumpy thighs and stomach being all weird. My face looks younger, but more wrinkly.

Ah....growing older. Such vanity. So hard for women. So much of our worth seems to be based in our ability to look young and sexy. I've got to face and accept that I am losing and will lose that kind of power. All right have lost it... I don't look to bad in clothing. Maybe I'll take some pictures with my clothes on. Augh.

Tuesday and the Hill

I rode my bike downtown again! Wow. Two days in a row. It was even easier the second time. On the way up I did stop at a stop sign and this woman was standing there waiting for the bus. I nodded to her as I was catching my breath. She said, "Wow, I can barely walk up this hill" and then the bus stopped and she hauled herself up the stairs and was gone. She was about 50 pounds overweight and I thought about all that extra flesh that she has to carry around. That I used to carry around. And I was so proud of myself as I pedaled up the rest of the hill.

Yum.

It's a bit nerve-wracking - facing this last week. The exercises are so hard and the days so few. And this strange steady stream of encouragement is about to end. I am planning to continue the program, going back to the second month start and trying to build up my jumping so that in two more months I am at the full level of PCP. I am doing better each day. The shorter rope helps. Pushing myself bit by bit helps. My knees are sore - I feel it going down stairs - and my ankles also have been aching lately. But slowly slowly slowly I am acclimating.

Monday and the Hill

My activity was biking. It was kind of a wild choice as I hardly ever bike.

Today, however, I dragged out my bike and rode all the way down town which is like 10 miles or something! Hey you big athletic people don't be giving me that "big deal only 10 miles" look. Remember I am not a big athlete. I am a big couch potato. Or I was.

Last time I rode downtown I burst into tears crossing the overpass and then had to walk up the BIG hill (both ways) and then took a big big big nap when I came home and promised to never do THAT again.

Today I am off - flying down the sidewalks. Across the overpass. No tears. Very balanced. I ride RIGHT UP THE BIG FRICKING HILL. I imagine Patrick smiling and saying "Ha ha silly woman I knew you could do it."

I cannot believe how much easier it was. On the way back, the hill is bigger and I admit I stopped twice VERY BRIEFY. (I could hear Patrick saying "Hey woman get on the bike and get up the hill cause baby you can do more than you think you can!!!!!!!!!!)

So I got back on the bike and I did it and I was almost disappointed that it wasn't harder. My legs were looking for more.

So much has changed.

I am still somewhat middle aged and lumpy - it may take some time to get some real sleekness back or it may not come at all. I don't know.

But I feel so different inside.

There is a confidence about the way I move, about what I can do that has changed me quite deeply. Yes I still worry but not nearly as much. I don't think I am going to hurt myself if I push or go fast or something.

Honestly I am still far behind where I could be in this program. I do the exercises but not all of the sets. My jumping is improved but I think it is going to take more time for me to get to the level most of you are at now. That's okay.

I started farther back.

This past year I choose life.

These three months pushed the intensity of my choice much farther than I thought I could go. For heavens sakes this is a program that some of my son's college coworkers are doing!! And yet I signed up.

Life!!!!

Sigh.

Oh and then I got home and found the list of the last week's exercises which are quite ... can I say...medieval torture like in their challenge...

New Jeans that won't fall off

Hey lookie!!! New Jeans on New Me! My Body hath returneth to itself.

Refrigerator Photo

Here it is. Local eggs at bottom. Milk. Yogurt. Egg whites. Tomato. Maple Syrup from a church family's maple grove. Chicken. Apples. Huge thing of black beans for my vegetarian son. Onions. Corn on the cob.

Thursday already

Bought new jeans. Tight black jeans in smallish size. Yeeeeehawww baby I am looking so good. I'll post a picture. I know the half naked pictures of me are quite difficult to take in...honest and bold but they kind of make younger people say oh my God is that middle age?? So some pictures of me with my clothes on will be a relief I am sure. he he he.... Although I do promise that I look great lying down, in candlelight.

I went to the gym. My experience is different than most of you probably - different than Patrick's description. This place I go is for women only - Curves - and mostly older women. It's kind of inspiring actually. The machines are set in a circle (only women would exercise in a circle facing each other...ha ha) and you spend one minute or so on each machine. There are all kinds of women there - fat women, yesterday there was a blind woman, old women (I'm talking in their 80's and 90's) young supple women, and then a bunch of us in the middle. I started going about a year and a half ago - when I decided to live.

At first I could barely do the circuit but I hung in there. The idea is to go three times a week. There are conversations going on - sometimes lots of laughing. Sometimes everyone is quiet. Rarely does any one comment on anyone else's weight - it's not done. We all have this understanding that we're doing the best we can and that weight for American women is a constant burden and worry.

The idea at Curves is mostly to get healthy. The people who work there aren't very glamorous. Carol is in her late 70's and walks 2 miles a day, there's a young woman who has lost 75 pounds this year - she's in college and really funny.

I know what Patrick is trying to get at - that some gyms are all about image and kind of missing the point about healthy food and effective exercise.

I've continued, now and then, to go to Curves - because I like connecting with the women there. Because I can't keep up with the level of jumping (yet) I go to Curves for a half hour of aerobic exercise to keep me moving. My life is pretty solitary (all right lonely!!) and I like going and laughing with a bunch of women who are doing their best to get or stay healthy. One of the drawbacks of the PCP exercise, ultimately, is that it only increases my isolation. I need to find some kind of activity - dancing, tennis, whatever (sex?) that is both social and physically active. Then PCP can continue to be my life line - but with the added fun of group moving....

Okay darling group. Go be beautiful and supple and lithe and all that sweetness.

Tuesday Wednesday

My pants fell off yesterday. Jeans. Not completely but kind of. I was taking the trash out, arms full, and my pants slipped over my now not so huge hips and there I was. Frozen. Smiling.

Wow. My pants fell off.

Haven't lost any "weight" this week, but things are tighter. Firmer. Different. Smaller.

Trying trying trying to do better at jumping.

Stop thinking...zen...get into a space where my lower limbic brain is in control. I am an animal. I am in this body. I am this body. Jump. Focus only on sensations.

Stop saying "Augh I can't do this" in whiny little voice.

Oh I am going to miss you all.

The Third Indulgence

My son ordered a large pizza last night. Feta and garlic and sundried tomatoes. And cheese.

Before PCP my major protein was cheese.

So I indulged. I ate 2 huge slices. Yum. Very salty. Feta is salty. It was good. What can I say. I also had a couple of slices of cheese at the after church "treat" table. The other choices there were brownies and coffee cake.

Cheese.

Will I go back to it? Maybe in moderation. But I much prefer the way lean meat and fish makes me feel.

My body is unaddicted now and longing for good things. I want to keep it that way.

I haven't lost any weight this week. Actually I've gained, I think. At the doctor's office I actually weighed 145 - I've never weighed that little on my own scale. I was down to 148 - but now back to 150. Hard not to focus on the numbers.

Monday morning. Not much time left with you all. But the lifestyle is going to continue for me.

Rope too Long

I have been pushing the jumping in the last few days. Yesterday I was doing a little better- going past 100 a few times. I remembered Patrick's comment about Jenny's rope being too long. I didn't think mine was adjustable but I looked closely at it and the handles actually open at the end and I made it shorter.

Well what do ya know. It is easier!!!!!!!! Not a million times easier and it is still the running out of breath - but I am not tripping as much. Wow. This could be the straw that sends the camel running far and faster.

Feeling good lately - I love the way I naturally want good healthy food. I lust for the tomatoes that are all ripe and juice right now. And hot radishes. And fresh zucchini in a stir fry.

Not sure what my indulgence will be. I don't really want one. Huh. How funny is that?

Tuesday Wednesday Time is flying

Ate out last night at cheap mexican place "Moes". Found a "rice/bean/chicken" bowl that was acceptable. You stand in line and tell them what to put on it. No cheese! No sour cream! Yes to Guacamole and lots of veggies! It was good - although salty. I ate 2 chips off my son's plate.

I am trying to work harder at exercising. The main problem is that I still get so out of breath with the jump rope. It's not my muscles, it's my cardio vascular ability. After 100 I have to stop. Maybe I am just being a baby. I don't know. But I feel as if I can't breathe. It takes a few minutes and then I can go again. I am going to really focus on it. My blood pressure is fine - I think my heart is in good condition. Maybe it is just panic? Fear?

Overall I am feeling good, looking good.

Someone asked yesterday how I got my cholesterol so low and I said - a thousand little moments, tiny choices, saying yes to good food, fresh air, exercise, friends and happiness. And no to junky food, lying around, feeling hopeless and giving up. Oh and PCP. Ha... and my pals around the world who keep saying "Go baby go!"

Cholesterol Drops Dramatically!

This is a photo my father took of a beautiful fall day in Vermont.

Today I had my yearly physical.

My doctor started by asking me to describe my daily diet. I smiled. I told her.

Huh, she said, that explains it. Your cholesterol has dropped from 214 to 141. Which, she said flashing a big smile, is phenomenal!

Now the specific numbers for the good/bad cholesterol were a little odd - the good cholesterol HDL was low (35 in a range of 33-125 higher being better) that is usually not a good sign but I did a little research online and it looks like one of the side effects of weight loss is an adjustment in HDL. It takes a little time evidently for the body to adjust and sometimes HDL numbers can be thrown off. The bad cholesterol LDL was okay dropping from 120 to 81.

That is hard evidence of the effectiveness of PCP.

I also weighed 145 at the doctor's office - a lower reading than my bathroom scale. But if that is true I've lost 20 pounds.

PCP results

52 year old woman

Lost 20 pounds

Total Cholesterol goes from 214 to 141

Able to exercise much much longer and better than when she started

Now looks at legs in mirror

Wears dresses and shirts that are sleeveless

One note - when I woke up this morning, after the fish and chips incident, I felt more groggy and out of it than I have for a long time. I slept an hour later than I usually do.

Wow am I motivated!!!!

Life is good.

I am so grateful for all of you - for this program and also kind of a little proud of myself.

Sinday

Okay serious indulgence today. I admit, confess, I am not hard enough on myself about the exercises. I am a wimp. But the diet I am very serious about actually. I have done some eating out but made good choices - only had a couple glasses of wine this whole time.

Today however, I had breakfast very early and then did my work stuff, including meeting with a dear man in my church who just found out he has lung and bone cancer. It was a long day and finally it was 4pm and I was driving the hour back to our apartment. I hadn't eaten anything all day. There was the restaurant. There was the menu. Dying of hunger was I. Ordered Fish and Chips. An indulgence.

It as great. Yum. Well done. Very crispy. Good fish. Then I got back in the car shaking my head at all the reports of how indulgences make you feel ill and sleepy and sick and all that. Not me, I thought. I have an iron stomach. Plus it was good.

15 minutes down the highway something inside began to rebel. It pushed it prodded it was very very annoyed at this heavy greasy lump of food. I felt waves of sleepiness, nausea, and general ickyness run through my body.

And I only ate about half of what was on the plate.

Man.

Man oh man.

Lesson learned.

Whew!

Dinner out

My dad, in his late 70's, who often bikes the 10 miles downtown to meet me for lunch at this little Asian Cafe, took us out for my birthday dinner last night. We went, as always, to our kind of dumpy, very healthy Asian Cafe. It's called Pacific Rim. It is cold in the winter and hot in the summer. We sat outside. My son was there (showing signs of teenage boredom and lecturing us about the truth of all things and how everything should be done).

The food is simple, 75% vegetables, a touch of rice and the waitress filled our waterglasses every 3 minutes (she wanted to get out of the hot restaurant as much as possible, she would come out, sweating, pour water and stand there for a while looking miserable). My dad and I have gone to this restaurant a couple times a month for 3 years and I don't think we've ever seen the same waitress. They don't last long.

Sometimes the restaurant simply closes because no one is there. If you show up at 2:30 it might have a closed sign. Why? Eh...it just isn' t worth it. No body here.

But we like it.

I had chicken sate - grilled chicken with this great peanut dipping sauce and a huge pile of veggies - yellow squash, broccoli, onions, red pepper, zucchini, mushrooms and so on. There was a hot red chili dipping sauce also. I ate about half of it - now that my appetite is adjusted to smaller portions - and brought the rest home.

My dad brought cupcakes and I looked at them and thought "yuck". So I lit my candle, blew it out and gave it to my son. My son's friends at work are PCP alumni and I heard about it through them. My son, Moses, has become a vegetarian this past year and is considering PCP but he says he's not quite ready. He's very strict with me, however. He watches what I am doing and the other day we were at a restaurant and I really really wanted a glass of wine and he gave me this big look and said "Mom! You're on PCP. You can't." So I didn't.

I put a picture on Flickr with my dad. He's really healthy. Very busy, lots of friends, biking, he eats tons of veggies. He told me to remind you all about the book "The Blue Zones" about the parts of the world where there are high concentrations of centenarians. (Okinawa Japan is one of the zones, by the way.) He plans to be one, I think. He has high levels of meaning, community and commitment in his life (all important). Also, he eats lots of veggies. Important. Also he eats fairly small portions.

There was a long term study on centenarians (those 100+) to see if there was a common element. The researchers studied many cultures and found one common theme. The centenarians all wanted to get up in the morning. They were early risers.

If one wants to get up in the morning, if one rises early, that means one wants to live - has things to live for. People to live for. Things to look forward to. Also it means that they are fairly healthy. They feel well enough to wake up and get up!

I see that in my dad. He has things to live for. A reason to be here. Last night he prepared this whole thing - took yellow roses to the restaurant and had them put in the cooler, had a present all wrapped up, brought a tape recorder on which he had put a bunch of versions of happy birthday (most of them classical - beautiful!), had cupcakes, a lighter to light them, a box for the trash, and so on. He had such fun preparing everything!

Good food allows us to make good choices. Exercising gets us in touch with this complex body. Connection with others, even through a medium such as this blogging thing, gives us the community and the accountability for making good choices.

It's good.

Appetite

We are now different people. I want to eat different things. It is not an intellectual choice any more - I desire good food. When we started this someone from a previous group had written about their new love for vegetables. Huh, I thought, okay, vegetables. But now I actually look forward to visiting the vegetable section of the grocery. My appetite leans towards vegetables~! And fruits, although not as much. Apples are now obsessive for me- the right kind. Gala. Pink Lady. Must be very crisp. Sweet or very sharp like Granny Smith. But green beans! Which are in season now. And sugarsnap peas. Yum. And little carrots... and onions. Onions can form the basis of a person's diet. And garlic. Avocado? Can we say enough about this tree butter? Corn on the cob (doesn't even need butter and salt..who knew). Cabbage slaw. Asparagus.

Anyway the point is, my whole desire thing has swung from cheese/tortillias/beans/sour cream/ to lean chicken or turkey, tuna and steamed veggie's with pesto or some kind of garlic/onion/lemon base.

I have also discovered sandwiches. Somehow I always avoided them but if the bread is good, and thinly sliced, they can be so healthy! There is this Red Hen bakery multigrain loaf that is to die for. Some tuna with onion (make it california style without mayonaise - just a touch of olive oil, lemon, maybe a little cilantro or basil), layer on fresh tomatoes, romaine lettuce, and it is so great! With tiny carrots and fresh snap peas on the side.

Okay.

It's my birthday. I'm 52 years old. Born in Augusta, Georgia where my father was in the army. Born into heat. One step at a time brought me to this little apartment in Burlington Vermont, my son asleep in the next room, typing my heart out to my compatriots on the journey, people from around the world. And it is, once again, a hot day. Circles.

Tuesday Day 65

Okay. I took new pictures. I look thinner but wicked old. Sigh. I am old. I'll be 52 in two days. Can you imagine. Well, Naoko can. But the rest of you are probably thinking - no! I cannot!

I'll never be any younger.

I don't think the lighting in this room is very flattering. Shows up every bump and grind.

Stop it!

Okay. I did exercise today much harder than I usually do. I tried to exhaust fatigue push my muscles past the edge. So I am proud of myself.

Also, I am going to keep doing everything - I thought I might just start, with month 4, going back to week 3 or something and take another run at the hill. At this point I feel discouraged. As if there is no way I can catch up to what I should be mastering. But I'm going to really try this month. And then I'm going to keep trying.

I am tired. Going to bed.

Thank you all for hanging in there with me. Sorry I was gone for a few days - backsliding - caught up in drama and all that.

Backsliding

I have been caught up in a whirlwind of activity. Today I have to lead another big funeral.

Speaking of religion, and Patrick's post about Zen Buddhism, I wanted to say that I am usually very quiet about my job. I always want to say "I'm not that kind of Christian!" Christians are so incredibly obnoxious and many of them are dangerous. I've been a pastor in small, liberal, elderly churches for the past 15 years and I've seen so much good stuff happen. Peaceful, loving things and people who find home and acceptance and all that. But the larger religion has become so out of touch with the simple, radical teachings of Jesus, that I left it at one point and am on the verge of leaving again. I was born into it - grandfather and father were both pastors. It is a world I know. But it is like trying to stop a thunderstorm with an umbrella. There is a force that takes hold in all organized religion - the force of tribalism - where people are more interested in who is in and who is out - than actual spiritual discipline and practice.

It makes me sad.

But I go on... today I'll lead a funeral for a good man, 85 years old, who walked all the time and fast, here and there and it was on one of those walks that he suddenly fell down and died. What a way to go. He was a humble soul - worked in the granite sheds as a carver of roses on gravestones. Had 4 kids. Married 61 years. Son of Spanish immigrants. So there are these times when I feel the purpose of it all...

What does this have to do with exercising. Not much. Sorry.

My exercising has been lackadasical. I do it but I know I'm not pushing myself. I've lost weight and I am in better shape but it is not exactly peak. I've got this month to face why I am so lazy, why I am so afraid of pushing myself to the limit.

It's time to face what is standing in my way.

There is a clarity that this program brings - the diet clears out all those numbing elements and the exercise makes me so aware of my body and the messages it is giving me. Now I need to bring that clarity to honestly address why I protect myself from going to the limit.

This month is going to be about the exercise.

Time to face the truth. Whatever it is. I'm ready to face it.