28 days

Thinking of Elena out in the wilderness of Wisconsin. Searching in vain for the right food.

Thinking of Royce striving in the urbanity of Victoria bagging seeking transcending time and space stretching his Sexaaayyyy self across the aisles of life.

Thinking of Naoko energetically embracing her life and body and path on the shores of Japan, waves lapping, sun sinking.

Thinking of Kowhai down under in Perth, working all too hard, jump rabbiting forever and ever into sleek and slender shape.

Thinking of Tara, carefully juggling her life - domestic goddess - brave stretchy pants wearing mama - considering each step up towards the peak, tears falling, arms lifted in victory.

Thinking of Jenny, honestly tearing through her life, efficiently, intensely headed towards her best form, her peak performance.

What I feel is our effort. Our trying. Our lovely human need to transcend the lethargy of daily life, of simply getting through the day. No. We will have more. We will wipe the slate clean of stimulants that numb us, dumb us and take the day (be it bliss or sorrow) from us.

This effort's goal can't simply be to look good. I feel in all of us that there is more to it. We want to know who we are. And how we relate to food - how we treat our bodies - teaches us so much about who we are. Who we can be.

This urge towards purity and good food is the urge to wake up and emerge out of modern processed pablum which whips our body into some kind of manic frenzy far removed from true peace...we want to wake up and find a joy that is deeper and more sustainable than beer and sugar and salt and big plates of pasta and bowls of cheese and (oops...might be a little mistake to list all these temptations...) all that can offer.

What can this body do? What can it be?

One thing my body cannot do is the V thingy. The V situp is a mystery. But at the beginning I couldn't do the incline pull up. I still don't do it very well. But I can do lunges. Yum...I am the lunge and squat queen. And I stretch well.

HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

As good old Fra Giovanni said in 1513 "No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven! No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within reach, is joy. There is a radiance and glory in the darkness, could we but see, and to see, we have only to look. I beseech you to look."

Friday/Sat/Sun

Quick post. Last two days did not have access to computer.

Am now back home.

Weighed self this morning with great trepidation - what did my week in Nirvana turn me into? A larger person?

Yes. But not by much. A pound. So I didn't lose any weight this past week, but barely gained it. Considering the fact that I was completely out of my regular world I think that's pretty damn good.

Salt is the big thing -- eating out I managed to order healthy food but I'm sure lots of salt was used. It was also very very hot in NYC last week and the two things - heat and salt - led to my body holding onto water.

I'll be interested to see if getting back to the no salt diet will quickly shed that pound and maybe more.

Got to go. I'll be back later to regroup, exercise, study more closely all the emails and blogs from the past week, and take the picture...

Elena and Thursday

Meet Elena, the lioness (sleek and strong - emerging one paw at a time...) today in the middle of the fashion district. We strode through lush lingering flora and fauna (flower district - Chelsea), across crowded streets, pushed through heavy glass doors into the hip coffee place (run by hard core totally cool dudes from Portland, Oregon) got our iced coffee (so legal on PCP) and stood at the window pouring out stories of jumping, sweating, not eating cheese, growing up, what life means, knees and men. Well. It was just great. That's all.

What a world.

What a world.

Elena is looking great. She's completely beautiful in that NYC kind of sophisticated, grounded, paying attention way and she's getting strong - expanding her horizons past salt and butter (the foundation of great restaurants).

My day was good - tons and tons of walking. It's hot as hell here. Ate really quite well if I do say so myself.

No wine, Patrick.

No whine.

Thanks all.

Cheerios from the girl on vacation in the big city.

Wednesday

Okay. Temptations very serious last night - did have a glass of wine. But thankfully went to a greek restaurant and had lemon chicken with veggies. Probably more salt than needed on it - but it was healthy and I felt great!!

Walked miles today. Through Central Park - to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I love this city.

There are lots of healthy places here - seriously. Salads galore. Thai/Greek/chicken wraps at the deli...all kinds of good stuff. And everyone is exercising. (Well... I was in the park... there are some incredibly buff middle aged women running around. I can do it too!)

One nice moment - I was coming down from the roof garden at the MET and the stairwells were walled with mirrors. I caught sight of my legs - and I actually did a double take because there was some muscle there! Some actual (albeit slight) definition. Wow. I watched my calf muscles all the way down the stairs. HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday Tuesday in the big city

I'm in the big city. (Elena I'm in your city!!!) NYC. Having a wonderful time with friends and absolutely surrounded by temptations galore - bagels, french restaurants with cheese platters, wine, sangria, cuban food...ay yi yi.

I have given in a tiny bit - had cuban food last night - but ate a very moderate amount and mostly meat and vegetables.

I must say, in my defense, that my stress level has fallen to a negative 8. I am a lump of happy relaxed flesh. That's got to be good for a person. And my old friends are all very complimentary about how healthy I look and about the PCP thing.

Exercising I'm holding up fairly well on - still keeping the jumping fairly low - I think it is just who I am - but adding walking. We must have walked 50 blocks yesterday.

So... no camera with me. Augh. I'll take a pic when I get back on Saturday.

Happy vacationing energy to everyone.

19 19 19 19 and 20....ahhh

Good day yesterday. Surrounded by temptations. Lots of stress. And yet...I moved forward in the right direction!

I'm off on a trip for a week. This will be a big big challenge but stress wise I'll be relaxed that I'm looking forward to that. Just realized that I probably won't have the means to download a picture on Tuesday. Maybe I can grab a camera... not sure...

Okay. Not much to say today.

Food good. Jumping about half of the requirement - but have added some walking etc... feeling tired, but noble.

Augh!! Day 18

Okay. Hitting the wall. Want something indulgent to eat. Want a bottle of wine. Want a big hunk of cheese and bread. Want a cream puff. Want to lie around and not move for several days.

AUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear.

Well. I'm eating my little chicken/veggie thing for supper. With some avocado on top.

I will focus.

I will focus.

I will focus.

So...how's every one else doing???

16-17

Good heavens I missed a day. Posting that is. I did live it.

V. busy week. Last week of school - my son had a big presentation .. etc.. Lots of deadlines for me. Whew.

I pushed myself on the exercises last night. Beyond my comfort zone. Today I feel heavy and sore and kind of proud of myself. But not sore in a bad way. Knee fine. Back fine.

I went for a walk and felt very tired when I got back. My energy level is low. Maybe the lack of carbs?

I'm headed out to jump. Because jumping has been so tough for me I separate it from the exercises.

Food wise - holding steady. Drinking quite a bit of coffee (with low fat milk...missing my half and half...)

17 days. Whewwwwhoooo!!

The picture

The 15th day. I took the dreaded picture. I actually see some improvement. Seriously. Not tons but some. I am feeling pretty good these days. Now that my knee isn't hurting - I am kind of bounding up steps. Feeling stronger in general. I like eating all the chicken and turkey and tuna. Yum. I also started taking iron after my doctor told my iron stores were low.

Had a wonderful lunch. Stewed lots of onions and garlic in a touch of olive oil (the trick is to cook them for a long time very very slowly) added pieces of turkey and chipolte peppers (canned). Put it on some rice. Oh my gosh. Yum.

You know when you go on a big hike and when you get there you pull out the freeze dried beans and raisins and they taste like the best thing in the world? I think this diet is kind of like that with me. I'm hungry. It's healthy. It's there. And it tastes so good! My taste buds are getting accustomed.

I've had a tough week emotionally and I can feel myself wanting to self-soothe..to calm ...to make it all better...by eating something and curling up in a ball and not moving. I can see it. That is a great victory right there. To be aware of my pattern. Wow.

Thank you all for being out there some where.

One day at a time.

Deb

Sunday the 13th day

Such a busy day I forgot to post!

First - missed breakfast due to hectic circumstances.

Second - big day at church...baptism of gorgeous baby...complicated service...hectic

Third - invited over to lunch.

Fourth - hectic running back across the state to get son and all that.

Fifth - hectic and nerve wracking day working with my son on his big presentation for Monday.

So. In the incredibly hectic and driven day of Sunday, the 13th, how did I do?

Pretty damn well if I say so myself.

Food -

Madly grabbed a scone at this bakery on the way to Williamstown. (not so good but at least I didn't go completely hungry as usual)

Did not eat any of the sugar laden coffee hour offerings downstairs after church.

Went to lunch where they made the most healthy fabulous salad, turkey sandwiches and drank lots of water.

Had an apple in the afternoon. And a long nap.

Had a tuna/watercress sandwich for supper. Ate the entire can of tuna. Yum.

Exercised and jumped 350 jumparoonies with little or no knee pain.

Sleep like tired baby.

So. Not perfection but we are not going for perfection - we are going for peak. I did pretty well within a stressful, performance laden day.

A poem by Mary Oliver for this little group who is on the journey together. (Royce - your recent post about the naysayers brought this to mind.)

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

© Mary Oliver

Mexican Restaurant

Last night I had a big challenge. I went out with a friend to a mexican restaurant. Big big big temptation....chips...margaritas...you know the whole thing...big bowls of cheese. All my old friends lined up in front of me.

Okay.

Confession.

I had a little bit of a margarita (with no salt) - just sipped a couple times from my friend's gigantic glass.

Otherwise - oh my I was am shall be the paragon of PCP virtue.

Not a chip.

Not a speck of cheese.

I ordered chicken and veggies - there was certainly some salt but not a lot - I ate the chicken and the surrounding onions and tomatoes. It was flavorful and I think not too off the beaten path.

Can you believe - not one chip!!!! Usually, and I am not kidding, I eat the whole basket. By myself. Preferably with a large bowl of melted cheese at my side. And two margaritas. And then cheese enchiladas with cheese on top.

I felt so proud of myself! And I think I had an impact on my friend. She kind of bypassed the chips and only ate half of her huge platter of dinner. I told her all about the diet and she seemed quite impressed by my sudden ability to make good choices.

Ha!

11 11 11 11 11

Wow. Eleven days. Time passes when you're havin' fun.

Is this fun?

Kind of. I'm starting to get acclimated. Knee better. Back to jumping (not yet caught up with my more nubile teammates) but still... Doing the other exercises. Huffing and puffing. Eating chicken chicken chicken and not any salt. And lots of veggies.

I think it may be the salt but I seem to be less puffy. I've lost some pounds - about 5 - and it seems like my body is a bit tighter.

The soreness factor over all is still present. It makes me feel kind of slow - and very aware of my muscles.

I had to move this big futon thing - clumsy and heavy - and normally I would have waited for someone to help me but I surprised myself by grabbing it and (with great effort) moving it. I felt strong. I felt like - hey I can do this.

I can do this.

Day Ten

My knee is so so so much better today. Whew. Lots of stretching and doing the exercises to strengthen the muscles. I didn't jump today - but I will tomorrow. I did extra exercises.

Lots of chicken. Yum. Feeling pretty energetic over all.

Did have some serious sugar craving this afternoon. Not sure why - I'm not really that big of a sugar eater. But I wanted a big bar of chocolate. Or a soft ice cream cone. The waves of wanting passed and I came through - pure!

Nine

Day Nine

Supper: chicken poached in onions/garlic/lemon juice/rosemary with little carrots and broccoli. Yum yum yum.

Got some good info on my knee from a PCP veteran. Lots of stretching needed. Evidently it can get better! Who knew. So I'm feeling much more hopeful today. I did some jumping but not too much. I decided to dance - just kind of crazy dance to Stevie Wonder for about 15 minutes - with lots of arms and not too much jumping on my knee. It was really fun. I got nice and winded and even sweat a little bit! Patrick will come up with something to substitute if I don't get better quickly but for today - I'm okay. I did some extra situps and leg up things.

And took my picture. What drama - camera not working - lots of technical difficulties but mostly my own uncomfortableness with my body. So I sat down once I actually got a picture that was not too dark and looked at myself. All right I'm chubby. I look a little like a cheap russian mail order bride. The look on my face is one of "I hope no one sees this." But you know what - I'm all there - it's me - every lump comes from some experience - every pound of me is hard earned. And I could look a lot worse. I'm not going to hate my body. It's a good body and I'm glad to be in it. Am I brave to show my stomach with all its buddha like softness? Yes. Like someone's mother (Elena? Tara?) noted - in typical American woman fashion - it takes courage to show oneself if one doesn't look like a fricking fashion model. My stomach may not always be so soft but I thank it for going through operations as a kid and having a kid as an adult and for being mine all these years.

That said, it will be fun to see if I can regain some strength and muscle and solidity along with the soft feminine curves of my body.

We shall see.

Good peaking everyone.

Tuesday Day 8 Week two oh forgot to take picture

It's late and I just realized I forgot to take a picture. The first one was so traumatic that I'm sure I've blocked out taking any more. I'll do it in the morning. However lumpy and huge my body looks I must remember that it is pretty great to have all four limbs and the ability to run around and feel and all that.

Speaking of which, I did all my exercises, except for the jumping and the inclining thing. Don't have a bar yet. I jumped about 100 again - my knee is still hurting quite a bit. Not sure if I should push past the pain. In the moment it seemed like my body was yelling at me to stop. I'm pretty sore in general but most of it is a good kind of sore. So I came back inside and did some more situps and pushups to make up for the lack of bounding around like a happy little rabbit.

Wow am I full. Feast after famine! I feel good. I like being full. I did not have the afternoon snack. But I ate good food - broccoli, rice, eggs, good wholegrain bread, apple, milk, edamame, black beans. I feel great. No sugar. No salt. I seasoned the edamame with grated ginger and some lemon. They were a little weird but it was okay. Black beans were cooked with onion, garlic and chipolte peppers. Yum.

Feeling good.

Monday Morning So Good to Me

All right. A new start. Knee feeling better. Did exercises - very gently did about 50 jumps.

This is the last day of half. Right?

A great quote from a novel by James Baldwin that I'm reading (Giovanni's Room):

"But people can't, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life."

There is so much of life that is not a choice. It is a given. Given.

Within it all, however, within the social and genetic mooring that is set in stone, there are choices. Like that great serenity quote, the trick is to figure out which is which. What parts of our life can be freed up and pushed down the river for the journey, and what parts are permanent.

My body feels so permanent, and some of its qualities are. Skin color, sex, overall genetic structure, height, bone structure. But within that, there are elements that are fluid. What my muscles shape into. What I feel. How my tendons stretch. How I move. Who I become as a result of the health of my body or the lack there of.

Within the givens of my body there are fluidities - choices. This present experience - PCP- is a chance for me to meet the part of me that is open to change. Not to master myself or punish myself. But to begin to know myself in a new way. The journey of my body.

Mooring. I came into this world and was placed in a physical form (one way to look at it). Have I let that form rule me too much? Have I been overwhelmed by the solid nature, the mooring of my body? Who am I within this vessel? Do I have choices? Or have I become lost in here..in this flesh?

Choices. The world of freedom and journey.

I have made the big choice to learn more about this mortal shell. The little choices speak to me moment by moment. My challenge is not to be overwhelmed, or shamed, but to learn and find my way one choice at a time.

Sunday Morning Ouch

Woke in the night with a very sore left knee. This morning I had to limp around. I have decided not to jump today but I did double exercises. Half this morning and the other half I finished this afternoon.

We had children's day at church and a big picnic potluck afterwards. Luckily there were some healthy things (unusual...) like watermelon, tomatoes, broccoli salad and deviled eggs. I had a small plate and am feeling pretty energetic although my knee is still hurting.

Of course I'm over reacting - thinking that I am much too out of shape to do this program... I used to be pretty healthy and then had a rough patch in my life when I became kind of a recluse and ate a lot and fell into a big mudpit of sadness. That landed me in a not so good place. But I faced the music, decided to choose life and lost about 35-40 pounds in the past two years. I started exercising and have kept it pretty consistently 2-3 times a week. I'm proud of the progress I've made, considering where I've come from! Still... insecurity.

I will rest my knee.

I will take my time and do my best.

I am doing the best I can.

My little mantra - I'm doing the best I can.

Okay team. Thanks for being so very encouraging! I'll catch up...one step at a time.

Deb

The Fox

Okay I went and jumped what I did not jump last night.

My relationship to my body was strongly shaped by being a very ill child. My body was a source of pain and the general message I got was that I was weak and needed to be protected. I held on to that message and am still holding on to it.

Last night when I simply could not jump more than 5, or so it seemed, I felt so ashamed. How can I be so weak, so weak-willed, I thought as I wandered back to my apartment... What is wrong with me?

This morning I went back out - it had been raining all night. The baseball diamond where I jump was damp. I started in. I was doing pretty well. 30 at a time. Then on one rest this fox appears out of the woods. A flock of crows was flying over it - kind of diving down at it every now and the. It was a red fox, but it looked pretty scroungy. Kind of a greying red fox. Like me.

It trotted across the wide field, stopping to look at me once or twice. Then the crows lifted up and the fox slipped back into the woods.

I was kind of a fox when I was young - red hair, pretty, an actress in NYC for my "youth". Now I am greying, a boring old minister, a woman losing her looks (which is tough when one has depended upon them a little too much over the years). I'm a scroungy greying red fox.

But that fox kept going. And I picked up my jumprope and jumped 60 straight through.

I want a new relationship with my body. One that is not based in fear (childhood) or in the opinion of others (pretty fox attracting men). I want to feel good. Healthy. To be strong for my own reasons. To move into my middle and later years with positive energy and not with the baggage that I am presently dragging around.

Not so good...

This was a tough day. I am hungry and I worked on a friend's garden for too long in the hot sun. And there were some emotional things - and I found myself standing in front of the ice cream place that I often stop at on the way back from my friend's house up in the Champlain islands. I got a small one. It was still pretty big. So big cheating for the day.

But when I came to the exercises last night, I literally was so sore and uncoordinated that I could only jump half - mostly because I just kept tripping over the rope and so I finally gave up. I did the other exercises promising myself I'd jump extra tomorrow.

It wasn't a sterling day.

half a protein drink

half a tuna sandwich

an entire soft ice cream cone dipped in chocolate

half a hamburger and a few french fries

half the allotted jumping

sigh

60 five times

300

Yahoo! All right I did them in 30's. Psychologically it seemed more manageable. But I did them with both feet and I wasn't as exhausted by the final 30 as I thought I would be. Again - the problem is running out of breath. I loved Patrick's email today which pointed out how these are effective because they are low effort - and burn fat. Will I ever get there? Yes. I will. One jump at a time.

As for food. I am hungry.

Coffee with touch of half and half

half a protein drink (whey powder, milk, no fat yogurt, banana)

half the meal at the nice thai restaurant place (chicken satay and veggies)

a small piece of cheese, an apple and about 3 cups of coffee with very very little half and half in them

I am hungry.

So the globe turns away from the sun for those of us in the eastern time zone.

I was on the baseball diamond, jumping from first base to second, kicking up the dust, counting. And I thought - just let me get to second base. Which made me laugh and then I forgot how hard the jumping was for a minute.

Thinking of you all. Jumping. Jumping. Wherever you are.

It is late. Day two. I kept putting off the exercise. I got most of the stuff - resistance bands - jump rope (yesterday I used an extension cord). Finally, at dusk, I headed across the street to the empty baseball diamond and started jumping. It was easier. (Not easy mind you...) Yesterday I was shocked by how hard it was. So today I thought it was going to be horrific but I just went slowly, took long breaks between the sets and I did it! Not in any fine fashion...lots of tripping up...panting...leaning over and breathing hard...rolling my eyes...but I did it.

And yes, those leg lift thingys are really hard. Maybe because they were last.

My diet today:

Breakfast: half a protein drink for breakfast (protein powder, yogurt, banana, milk, ice) and two cups of coffee with less half and half than usual.

Lunch: Small serving of last night's chick pea curry for lunch

Snack: A couple of crackers and some cream cheese.

Supper: 1 chicken taco.

Then I got really hungry after I exercised and ate some chips and salsa. I was starving. I stopped myself before I ate too many and drank some coffee instead. I was still hungry so I took a shower. Finally the hunger has abated. Sleep is calling me.

The exercise is hard because I am running out of breath. I think my cardiovascular level is low low low low. It wasn't so much that my muscles wore out. Just my breathing.

Okay.

This is so cool. I'm already so glad I'm doing this. Life is short. Seize the day and shake it.

Did the exercises. I don't think I have jumped rope in 40 years. I forgot how. Two feet? One? Oh Patrick you are going to be so sorry you let me into this program. That's what I am thinking as I'm skipping rope on the lawn out in front of the apartment buildings. Luckily I'm next to the fire station, I think, panting, so if I have a heart attack some good looking stud of a fireman will come over and save me. The last time through the 50 was tough. I did 10 at a time. With the other exercises I started to think "Oh I've just got to get through this and get it over with" but I stopped myself. No. Not this time. This time I'm going to go slow and feel it. So I don't do it perfectly. I'll do it as well as I can and feel my body - my muscles - my own weight - as I do them. I didn't try and ignore the effort but simply paid attention to what my body was experiencing. A wave of warmth has filled me now that I have finished. I feel very relaxed. This is going to be all right.

One jump at a time.

Day One

Taking the pictures. Oh my fricking God...as we Vermonter's say. What an ordeal. Setting up tripod. Finding something to wear that actually shows my enormous girth and middle aged middle. Oh my God. Then click click click and the moment of truth. I mean, I know what I look like. It's not a big surprise. But I can see that having to take a picture every week is going to be incredibly motivating. Accountability.... And hopefully if I start looking a bit more firm - there will be some pleasure at comparing this Day One lumpy body with a day 90ish not so lumpy body. I must remember that I'm lucky that everything works. And that the reason I have such a big stomach is that I had a baby - and lots of operations as a kid which kind of left me protecting my middle - over protecting it from actually having muscles.

Eating half today wasn't too hard.

I haven't done the exercises yet. I'm going to be honest about that. I'll go do them after I post this. I sent the picture and my weight - 165 and 5'7". I don't have a jump rope so I am using an extension cord. I am feeling pretty much of a mess and I guess that's a good place to start.

But out there, in bright little spots across the globe, are my companions. With their zucchinis and martinis and teaching Japanese and riding bikes through NYC and they are starting with me. We're leaping self-consciously off the cliff. Hand in hand.