Final Post

The flesh has changed but more than that, as my PCP comrades understand, my body is my own again. In the first picture, which is I admit a fairly dreadful picture, I was so ashamed to be "seen in this body." As if it were not even mine. Yes I had been working on losing weight, and had lost over 25 pounds in the year previous. But what has changed is not just my weight loss but who I am.

This program has brought me back to myself.

Through a combination of common sense diet, simple (and hard) exercise, and the support of incredible people who live around the world, I was able to make decisions that lead me back to life.

Look at this elegant babe:

Naoko, my sweet age mate.

Royce, shooting star blazing and gone.

Elena, elegant striving New Yorker.

Jenny, honest, beautiful yearning young woman.

Kowhai, down under loyal, plain speaking achiever.

Tara, mother, eloquent thinker, posting essays each time.

Patrick, stern Zen master.

My eternal thanks for walking this journey with me.

May the road rise to meet us

May the wind be always at our back

May you remember that we are never alone

while we still have the courage to reach out

To strive for the Peak.

Much love,

Deborah

Day 90

Wonderful day. Church went great... Vermont this time of year is about as beautiful as life gets.

Didn't have time to take pictures. Or didn't want to quite end. Not quite yet. Putting it off a little while.

I'll do it tomorrow.

This has been a splendid journey.

Thanks to Patrick for offering leadership and wisdom. Thanks to all of my companions who shared so much of their lives with me for the summer. Thanks to myself for doing it even though I am not exactly an athlete.

Biking was supposed to be my activity and I've only recently been riding.

Yesterday I was riding it and I got off and noticed, for the first time (I've had the bike for two years) that the word "TOPEAK" is on the back of it.

To Peak.

How wild is that?

I'll write more (you know me.....full of it) tomorrow when I post the final pictures.

Thinking of you all, dotted around this blue world, brave and I think, tonight, smiling.

Love.

Friday Night

I can feel us all stepping back slightly, after being so caught up in this new reality. Preparing to reengage in the world.

Had a bone density scan today. I have very healthy, strong, big bones.

Thinking of you all as we coast (every single one of us) to Victory.

With Gratitude.

Thursday

We're almost done. At least together.

Exercises are excruciating. Yahoo.... At least I can be happy about failing.

I reach failure quickly. My special talent.

Vanity

Oh dear. Took pictures today. Thought if I went out on my little porch in natural lighting it might be better. It isn't! I have lost weight, gotten so much stronger, better cardiovascular health (still a long way to go), gained muscle, lowered cholesterol, and yet I am lumpy and the weight I've lost seems to have left me looking rather....well... older.

Maybe it will take my body a while to adjust. I couldn't even put the other pictures on here. I can see some difference if I look closely, but mostly I see these lumpy thighs and stomach being all weird. My face looks younger, but more wrinkly.

Ah....growing older. Such vanity. So hard for women. So much of our worth seems to be based in our ability to look young and sexy. I've got to face and accept that I am losing and will lose that kind of power. All right have lost it... I don't look to bad in clothing. Maybe I'll take some pictures with my clothes on. Augh.

Tuesday and the Hill

I rode my bike downtown again! Wow. Two days in a row. It was even easier the second time. On the way up I did stop at a stop sign and this woman was standing there waiting for the bus. I nodded to her as I was catching my breath. She said, "Wow, I can barely walk up this hill" and then the bus stopped and she hauled herself up the stairs and was gone. She was about 50 pounds overweight and I thought about all that extra flesh that she has to carry around. That I used to carry around. And I was so proud of myself as I pedaled up the rest of the hill.

Yum.

It's a bit nerve-wracking - facing this last week. The exercises are so hard and the days so few. And this strange steady stream of encouragement is about to end. I am planning to continue the program, going back to the second month start and trying to build up my jumping so that in two more months I am at the full level of PCP. I am doing better each day. The shorter rope helps. Pushing myself bit by bit helps. My knees are sore - I feel it going down stairs - and my ankles also have been aching lately. But slowly slowly slowly I am acclimating.

Monday and the Hill

My activity was biking. It was kind of a wild choice as I hardly ever bike.

Today, however, I dragged out my bike and rode all the way down town which is like 10 miles or something! Hey you big athletic people don't be giving me that "big deal only 10 miles" look. Remember I am not a big athlete. I am a big couch potato. Or I was.

Last time I rode downtown I burst into tears crossing the overpass and then had to walk up the BIG hill (both ways) and then took a big big big nap when I came home and promised to never do THAT again.

Today I am off - flying down the sidewalks. Across the overpass. No tears. Very balanced. I ride RIGHT UP THE BIG FRICKING HILL. I imagine Patrick smiling and saying "Ha ha silly woman I knew you could do it."

I cannot believe how much easier it was. On the way back, the hill is bigger and I admit I stopped twice VERY BRIEFY. (I could hear Patrick saying "Hey woman get on the bike and get up the hill cause baby you can do more than you think you can!!!!!!!!!!)

So I got back on the bike and I did it and I was almost disappointed that it wasn't harder. My legs were looking for more.

So much has changed.

I am still somewhat middle aged and lumpy - it may take some time to get some real sleekness back or it may not come at all. I don't know.

But I feel so different inside.

There is a confidence about the way I move, about what I can do that has changed me quite deeply. Yes I still worry but not nearly as much. I don't think I am going to hurt myself if I push or go fast or something.

Honestly I am still far behind where I could be in this program. I do the exercises but not all of the sets. My jumping is improved but I think it is going to take more time for me to get to the level most of you are at now. That's okay.

I started farther back.

This past year I choose life.

These three months pushed the intensity of my choice much farther than I thought I could go. For heavens sakes this is a program that some of my son's college coworkers are doing!! And yet I signed up.

Life!!!!

Sigh.

Oh and then I got home and found the list of the last week's exercises which are quite ... can I say...medieval torture like in their challenge...

New Jeans that won't fall off

Hey lookie!!! New Jeans on New Me! My Body hath returneth to itself.

Refrigerator Photo

Here it is. Local eggs at bottom. Milk. Yogurt. Egg whites. Tomato. Maple Syrup from a church family's maple grove. Chicken. Apples. Huge thing of black beans for my vegetarian son. Onions. Corn on the cob.

Thursday already

Bought new jeans. Tight black jeans in smallish size. Yeeeeehawww baby I am looking so good. I'll post a picture. I know the half naked pictures of me are quite difficult to take in...honest and bold but they kind of make younger people say oh my God is that middle age?? So some pictures of me with my clothes on will be a relief I am sure. he he he.... Although I do promise that I look great lying down, in candlelight.

I went to the gym. My experience is different than most of you probably - different than Patrick's description. This place I go is for women only - Curves - and mostly older women. It's kind of inspiring actually. The machines are set in a circle (only women would exercise in a circle facing each other...ha ha) and you spend one minute or so on each machine. There are all kinds of women there - fat women, yesterday there was a blind woman, old women (I'm talking in their 80's and 90's) young supple women, and then a bunch of us in the middle. I started going about a year and a half ago - when I decided to live.

At first I could barely do the circuit but I hung in there. The idea is to go three times a week. There are conversations going on - sometimes lots of laughing. Sometimes everyone is quiet. Rarely does any one comment on anyone else's weight - it's not done. We all have this understanding that we're doing the best we can and that weight for American women is a constant burden and worry.

The idea at Curves is mostly to get healthy. The people who work there aren't very glamorous. Carol is in her late 70's and walks 2 miles a day, there's a young woman who has lost 75 pounds this year - she's in college and really funny.

I know what Patrick is trying to get at - that some gyms are all about image and kind of missing the point about healthy food and effective exercise.

I've continued, now and then, to go to Curves - because I like connecting with the women there. Because I can't keep up with the level of jumping (yet) I go to Curves for a half hour of aerobic exercise to keep me moving. My life is pretty solitary (all right lonely!!) and I like going and laughing with a bunch of women who are doing their best to get or stay healthy. One of the drawbacks of the PCP exercise, ultimately, is that it only increases my isolation. I need to find some kind of activity - dancing, tennis, whatever (sex?) that is both social and physically active. Then PCP can continue to be my life line - but with the added fun of group moving....

Okay darling group. Go be beautiful and supple and lithe and all that sweetness.

Tuesday Wednesday

My pants fell off yesterday. Jeans. Not completely but kind of. I was taking the trash out, arms full, and my pants slipped over my now not so huge hips and there I was. Frozen. Smiling.

Wow. My pants fell off.

Haven't lost any "weight" this week, but things are tighter. Firmer. Different. Smaller.

Trying trying trying to do better at jumping.

Stop thinking...zen...get into a space where my lower limbic brain is in control. I am an animal. I am in this body. I am this body. Jump. Focus only on sensations.

Stop saying "Augh I can't do this" in whiny little voice.

Oh I am going to miss you all.

The Third Indulgence

My son ordered a large pizza last night. Feta and garlic and sundried tomatoes. And cheese.

Before PCP my major protein was cheese.

So I indulged. I ate 2 huge slices. Yum. Very salty. Feta is salty. It was good. What can I say. I also had a couple of slices of cheese at the after church "treat" table. The other choices there were brownies and coffee cake.

Cheese.

Will I go back to it? Maybe in moderation. But I much prefer the way lean meat and fish makes me feel.

My body is unaddicted now and longing for good things. I want to keep it that way.

I haven't lost any weight this week. Actually I've gained, I think. At the doctor's office I actually weighed 145 - I've never weighed that little on my own scale. I was down to 148 - but now back to 150. Hard not to focus on the numbers.

Monday morning. Not much time left with you all. But the lifestyle is going to continue for me.

Rope too Long

I have been pushing the jumping in the last few days. Yesterday I was doing a little better- going past 100 a few times. I remembered Patrick's comment about Jenny's rope being too long. I didn't think mine was adjustable but I looked closely at it and the handles actually open at the end and I made it shorter.

Well what do ya know. It is easier!!!!!!!! Not a million times easier and it is still the running out of breath - but I am not tripping as much. Wow. This could be the straw that sends the camel running far and faster.

Feeling good lately - I love the way I naturally want good healthy food. I lust for the tomatoes that are all ripe and juice right now. And hot radishes. And fresh zucchini in a stir fry.

Not sure what my indulgence will be. I don't really want one. Huh. How funny is that?

Tuesday Wednesday Time is flying

Ate out last night at cheap mexican place "Moes". Found a "rice/bean/chicken" bowl that was acceptable. You stand in line and tell them what to put on it. No cheese! No sour cream! Yes to Guacamole and lots of veggies! It was good - although salty. I ate 2 chips off my son's plate.

I am trying to work harder at exercising. The main problem is that I still get so out of breath with the jump rope. It's not my muscles, it's my cardio vascular ability. After 100 I have to stop. Maybe I am just being a baby. I don't know. But I feel as if I can't breathe. It takes a few minutes and then I can go again. I am going to really focus on it. My blood pressure is fine - I think my heart is in good condition. Maybe it is just panic? Fear?

Overall I am feeling good, looking good.

Someone asked yesterday how I got my cholesterol so low and I said - a thousand little moments, tiny choices, saying yes to good food, fresh air, exercise, friends and happiness. And no to junky food, lying around, feeling hopeless and giving up. Oh and PCP. Ha... and my pals around the world who keep saying "Go baby go!"

Cholesterol Drops Dramatically!

This is a photo my father took of a beautiful fall day in Vermont.

Today I had my yearly physical.

My doctor started by asking me to describe my daily diet. I smiled. I told her.

Huh, she said, that explains it. Your cholesterol has dropped from 214 to 141. Which, she said flashing a big smile, is phenomenal!

Now the specific numbers for the good/bad cholesterol were a little odd - the good cholesterol HDL was low (35 in a range of 33-125 higher being better) that is usually not a good sign but I did a little research online and it looks like one of the side effects of weight loss is an adjustment in HDL. It takes a little time evidently for the body to adjust and sometimes HDL numbers can be thrown off. The bad cholesterol LDL was okay dropping from 120 to 81.

That is hard evidence of the effectiveness of PCP.

I also weighed 145 at the doctor's office - a lower reading than my bathroom scale. But if that is true I've lost 20 pounds.

PCP results

52 year old woman

Lost 20 pounds

Total Cholesterol goes from 214 to 141

Able to exercise much much longer and better than when she started

Now looks at legs in mirror

Wears dresses and shirts that are sleeveless

One note - when I woke up this morning, after the fish and chips incident, I felt more groggy and out of it than I have for a long time. I slept an hour later than I usually do.

Wow am I motivated!!!!

Life is good.

I am so grateful for all of you - for this program and also kind of a little proud of myself.

Sinday

Okay serious indulgence today. I admit, confess, I am not hard enough on myself about the exercises. I am a wimp. But the diet I am very serious about actually. I have done some eating out but made good choices - only had a couple glasses of wine this whole time.

Today however, I had breakfast very early and then did my work stuff, including meeting with a dear man in my church who just found out he has lung and bone cancer. It was a long day and finally it was 4pm and I was driving the hour back to our apartment. I hadn't eaten anything all day. There was the restaurant. There was the menu. Dying of hunger was I. Ordered Fish and Chips. An indulgence.

It as great. Yum. Well done. Very crispy. Good fish. Then I got back in the car shaking my head at all the reports of how indulgences make you feel ill and sleepy and sick and all that. Not me, I thought. I have an iron stomach. Plus it was good.

15 minutes down the highway something inside began to rebel. It pushed it prodded it was very very annoyed at this heavy greasy lump of food. I felt waves of sleepiness, nausea, and general ickyness run through my body.

And I only ate about half of what was on the plate.

Man.

Man oh man.

Lesson learned.

Whew!

Dinner out

My dad, in his late 70's, who often bikes the 10 miles downtown to meet me for lunch at this little Asian Cafe, took us out for my birthday dinner last night. We went, as always, to our kind of dumpy, very healthy Asian Cafe. It's called Pacific Rim. It is cold in the winter and hot in the summer. We sat outside. My son was there (showing signs of teenage boredom and lecturing us about the truth of all things and how everything should be done).

The food is simple, 75% vegetables, a touch of rice and the waitress filled our waterglasses every 3 minutes (she wanted to get out of the hot restaurant as much as possible, she would come out, sweating, pour water and stand there for a while looking miserable). My dad and I have gone to this restaurant a couple times a month for 3 years and I don't think we've ever seen the same waitress. They don't last long.

Sometimes the restaurant simply closes because no one is there. If you show up at 2:30 it might have a closed sign. Why? Eh...it just isn' t worth it. No body here.

But we like it.

I had chicken sate - grilled chicken with this great peanut dipping sauce and a huge pile of veggies - yellow squash, broccoli, onions, red pepper, zucchini, mushrooms and so on. There was a hot red chili dipping sauce also. I ate about half of it - now that my appetite is adjusted to smaller portions - and brought the rest home.

My dad brought cupcakes and I looked at them and thought "yuck". So I lit my candle, blew it out and gave it to my son. My son's friends at work are PCP alumni and I heard about it through them. My son, Moses, has become a vegetarian this past year and is considering PCP but he says he's not quite ready. He's very strict with me, however. He watches what I am doing and the other day we were at a restaurant and I really really wanted a glass of wine and he gave me this big look and said "Mom! You're on PCP. You can't." So I didn't.

I put a picture on Flickr with my dad. He's really healthy. Very busy, lots of friends, biking, he eats tons of veggies. He told me to remind you all about the book "The Blue Zones" about the parts of the world where there are high concentrations of centenarians. (Okinawa Japan is one of the zones, by the way.) He plans to be one, I think. He has high levels of meaning, community and commitment in his life (all important). Also, he eats lots of veggies. Important. Also he eats fairly small portions.

There was a long term study on centenarians (those 100+) to see if there was a common element. The researchers studied many cultures and found one common theme. The centenarians all wanted to get up in the morning. They were early risers.

If one wants to get up in the morning, if one rises early, that means one wants to live - has things to live for. People to live for. Things to look forward to. Also it means that they are fairly healthy. They feel well enough to wake up and get up!

I see that in my dad. He has things to live for. A reason to be here. Last night he prepared this whole thing - took yellow roses to the restaurant and had them put in the cooler, had a present all wrapped up, brought a tape recorder on which he had put a bunch of versions of happy birthday (most of them classical - beautiful!), had cupcakes, a lighter to light them, a box for the trash, and so on. He had such fun preparing everything!

Good food allows us to make good choices. Exercising gets us in touch with this complex body. Connection with others, even through a medium such as this blogging thing, gives us the community and the accountability for making good choices.

It's good.

Appetite

We are now different people. I want to eat different things. It is not an intellectual choice any more - I desire good food. When we started this someone from a previous group had written about their new love for vegetables. Huh, I thought, okay, vegetables. But now I actually look forward to visiting the vegetable section of the grocery. My appetite leans towards vegetables~! And fruits, although not as much. Apples are now obsessive for me- the right kind. Gala. Pink Lady. Must be very crisp. Sweet or very sharp like Granny Smith. But green beans! Which are in season now. And sugarsnap peas. Yum. And little carrots... and onions. Onions can form the basis of a person's diet. And garlic. Avocado? Can we say enough about this tree butter? Corn on the cob (doesn't even need butter and salt..who knew). Cabbage slaw. Asparagus.

Anyway the point is, my whole desire thing has swung from cheese/tortillias/beans/sour cream/ to lean chicken or turkey, tuna and steamed veggie's with pesto or some kind of garlic/onion/lemon base.

I have also discovered sandwiches. Somehow I always avoided them but if the bread is good, and thinly sliced, they can be so healthy! There is this Red Hen bakery multigrain loaf that is to die for. Some tuna with onion (make it california style without mayonaise - just a touch of olive oil, lemon, maybe a little cilantro or basil), layer on fresh tomatoes, romaine lettuce, and it is so great! With tiny carrots and fresh snap peas on the side.

Okay.

It's my birthday. I'm 52 years old. Born in Augusta, Georgia where my father was in the army. Born into heat. One step at a time brought me to this little apartment in Burlington Vermont, my son asleep in the next room, typing my heart out to my compatriots on the journey, people from around the world. And it is, once again, a hot day. Circles.

Tuesday Day 65

Okay. I took new pictures. I look thinner but wicked old. Sigh. I am old. I'll be 52 in two days. Can you imagine. Well, Naoko can. But the rest of you are probably thinking - no! I cannot!

I'll never be any younger.

I don't think the lighting in this room is very flattering. Shows up every bump and grind.

Stop it!

Okay. I did exercise today much harder than I usually do. I tried to exhaust fatigue push my muscles past the edge. So I am proud of myself.

Also, I am going to keep doing everything - I thought I might just start, with month 4, going back to week 3 or something and take another run at the hill. At this point I feel discouraged. As if there is no way I can catch up to what I should be mastering. But I'm going to really try this month. And then I'm going to keep trying.

I am tired. Going to bed.

Thank you all for hanging in there with me. Sorry I was gone for a few days - backsliding - caught up in drama and all that.

Backsliding

I have been caught up in a whirlwind of activity. Today I have to lead another big funeral.

Speaking of religion, and Patrick's post about Zen Buddhism, I wanted to say that I am usually very quiet about my job. I always want to say "I'm not that kind of Christian!" Christians are so incredibly obnoxious and many of them are dangerous. I've been a pastor in small, liberal, elderly churches for the past 15 years and I've seen so much good stuff happen. Peaceful, loving things and people who find home and acceptance and all that. But the larger religion has become so out of touch with the simple, radical teachings of Jesus, that I left it at one point and am on the verge of leaving again. I was born into it - grandfather and father were both pastors. It is a world I know. But it is like trying to stop a thunderstorm with an umbrella. There is a force that takes hold in all organized religion - the force of tribalism - where people are more interested in who is in and who is out - than actual spiritual discipline and practice.

It makes me sad.

But I go on... today I'll lead a funeral for a good man, 85 years old, who walked all the time and fast, here and there and it was on one of those walks that he suddenly fell down and died. What a way to go. He was a humble soul - worked in the granite sheds as a carver of roses on gravestones. Had 4 kids. Married 61 years. Son of Spanish immigrants. So there are these times when I feel the purpose of it all...

What does this have to do with exercising. Not much. Sorry.

My exercising has been lackadasical. I do it but I know I'm not pushing myself. I've lost weight and I am in better shape but it is not exactly peak. I've got this month to face why I am so lazy, why I am so afraid of pushing myself to the limit.

It's time to face what is standing in my way.

There is a clarity that this program brings - the diet clears out all those numbing elements and the exercise makes me so aware of my body and the messages it is giving me. Now I need to bring that clarity to honestly address why I protect myself from going to the limit.

This month is going to be about the exercise.

Time to face the truth. Whatever it is. I'm ready to face it.

Thursday

World spinning fast.

People are starting to say I look really good. I guess I looked pretty bad but live in a polite world where no one points it out.

So. It's fun to be the recipient of so much encouragement!

I didn't lose any weight this week and I'm glad of it. I've got my appetite back. It hasn't been quite so hot so exercising is easier. I'm best at the easy simple stuff. The kung fu situp I did try on playground over at the school. It was at best a hilarious moment. I have substituted Vsitups. Pull ups are also sort of miniscule midget versions. I had to laugh at myself the other day. Lots of grunting trying to do an actual pull up on this playground high bar thing. Oh well. Might as well laugh. Actually laughing is very similar to crying but not so draining.

The diet is really the thing. I can see that. But the exercising - for me- makes me more aware of my body. Of how I am feeling, of my posture, of muscles I didn't know were there, of my potential strength. The diet has released me from being addicted to food. I've kind of swung a little too far on the pendulum and stopped even liking food very much, but today I made sure to buy some things at the store that I really like - avacado - a great peach - fugi apple - and when I ate I concentrated on taste. My stomach is feeling better overall. Food should be enjoyable and not simply neutral energy. I'll find the balance.

Exercising has been tough here in the valley because I am so exhausted and hot. But this week hasn't been so hot and I've felt better and had more energy to put into pushing my muscles to fatigue. One day at a time.

I didn't get out of shape in 6 weeks. Things take time. enjoy the process says this old lady.

Deb

cycles of life

little cycles blood rushing through body every few seconds

digestion food in, taken apart, some kept, some let go

big cycles

aging process

There is a wisdom in the body if we let it be in charge. If we can actually listen to it.

I'm seeing that more and more - and even with the exhaustion and valley time of PCP I think my body is telling me something.

I've lost quite a bit of weight fairly quickly and my body needs time to adjust. I think I need really really good rest. And steady nutrition. My body works so hard to survive, to keep a set point, and it feels stressed that something has changed drastically and so the internal patterns that I've set up over the last 15 years especially (after having a child and career and all the living stuff) have to be reformated. I need to be gentle with my body. Explain things to her. Stretch, be happy, comfort her (but not with stuffy, fatty, dead food).

I want food that is alive. Food that is still vibrating with life force.

Saturday and Sunday

Blur. Very busy weekend. Old Home Day in my little Vermont church. 100 year old lady greeting at the door. Big potluck.

People are noticing how much fitter I am looking. That's nice.

I'm actually still feeling pretty worn out. I am doing better and I'm back to jumping and exercising - not as well as the rest of you - but as well as I can. Still, I feel a kind of deep fatigue inside. Also, I seem to have lost my appetite a bit. I kind of have to force myself to eat. Not really like me! It seems the pendulum has swung a bit too far in the other direction.

But...one day at a time.

Thursday Day 52

Getting back on the horse. Feeling much better. Putting more into my exercises. Jumping more again.

Whew.

I hope that was the big valley...???

Took a friend through beautiful Vermont yesterday - up over the mountain (Smuggler's notch), took a dip in a very cold mountain stream, ate healthy all day - even with a dinner out (

italian restaurant - had chicken with marsala sauce which was maybe a little over the border but not much - lots of wonderful veggies. No pasta or bread. And no glass of WINE....)

I'm enjoying weighing less. There seems to be quite an adjustment going on in my body, however, energy levels are confused, I'm getting the message to rest but I get so much sleep at night that I know I don't really need it. It has been a pretty quick weight loss (I've been on the two pounds a month less for the last year and a half) and this time it is more like 2 pounds a week. I've never lost weight this quickly.

What I've lost mostly is an addiction to food - eating for comfort. Eating to cover up painful life experience. I no longer have the impulse to cover up what is happening in me. Food is looking quite a bit more like fuel. That is new. Freedom. A wonderful thing, really, to be released from a kind of compulsion to simply eat for the sake of eating and not connect it with my body's need for energy.

Day 51 oh my God my age...

I am feeling my age today. Which means I feel wise, determined, and tired.

I am heading out to jump after reading Naoko's inspirational blog about Patrick pushing her to keep going and not give into defeatism. We can push our bodies much farther than we think we can.

Okay.

I will report back later.

SundayMondayAahhhhh

Okay. It's a blur. Feeling a bit better but still so TIRED.... Augh. I think I was dehydrated. My blood pressure was very low. Sunday was so busy, I literally dragged myself home after driving all over creation. Oh the slow country life. Ha. Everyone in Vermont drives huge distances to work. Idiotic.

Stop whining.

Saw the relatives of my ex-husband this past weekend who all said I look great. What are you doing? Oh my God you look so much younger! I was too tired to explain everything so I just said, "Oh this and that. A little less of this and a little more of that."

I did not exercise yesterday. I'm telling you the truth, I could hardly walk up the stairs. So this morning I went out and for my indulgence I had an everything bagel, toasted and dripping with butter. It was great. I was very careful to measure everything today and I drank tons of water. I am feeling better but I still am weak. I'm going to exercise tonight, however. Psyching myself up for the picnic table.

Haven't checked the blogs for the day yet. Hope that you are all feeling more energetic...

Saturday

The lady in the center of this picture is Edith Mikkelsen. She's 100 years old. She has always been active. Thin. I went to visit her, she lives in her own home, her son recently came to live with her, and she was doing her taxes. She said, "Don't tell anyone, I don't want to do anybody else's!" Notice she doesn't wear glasses.

Now to me.

Yesterday I felt sick - not in the regular way like the flu or a cold. But deeply tired to the point that I simply couldn't do regular things. So I rested today. Ate carefully. Drank a lot of water. Am feeling much better! Still a little tired but not that overwhelming feeling that I could hardly walk up the one flight of stairs to my apartment.

Facing the valley. Took pictures today but couldn't figure out how to link it with flickr. They don't look much different although I've continued to lose weight this week. Man I have so much weight to lose. There must be muscles under there some where.... Where?

Hard not to get discouraged. I might only be half way through, however, so I'd better get healthy.

Friday Fatigue

Weight loss fatigue. Whew. I was so tired today.

And jumping. Yes. I don't like it. Trying to be positive.

One day at a time.

Thursday Heat Wave

I have always found four leaf clovers.

It is 90 degrees and almost 8pm. I went over to the park bench. Stretching, sweating, swearing, etc... you know the drill.

Why, I asked myself, have I always found four leaf clovers?

Well, I said, panting, because I look for them.

Duh, I answered wittily.

Seriously. I don't look for 3 leaf clovers I only look for ones with 4 leaves. It saves so much time.

So then I started doing my training and my looking and I realized that (big drum roll) looking at 3 leaf clovers and despairing at how many of them exist is like focusing on how many jumps I can't do or how far I am from perfection in general. There is much imperfection in me. Like 3 leaf clovers, my imperfection populates my life. Why focus on it? I'm not interested in finding that!

I want the perfect moments.

I want 4 leaf clovers.

I want the 3 sets of lunges I CAN do. I want the 38 seconds of the plank that I DO manage.

Tonight I found eleven 4 leaf clovers.

Oh - awesome food today - chicken with corn (stripped off the cob) grilled onions and garlic. And a bit of rice. And some avocado.

Wednesday Day 44 Halfway

White bleeding hearts in the shade of my friend's porch. True Vermont image.

Halfway.

For someone of my overweightness and general lack of fitness I think this program is going to take quite a bit longer to reach a peak condition place. That's okay. It took a long time to get this way so it makes sense that it will take time to return to my natural body. I never lost the weight I gained in pregnancy (Tara!) and that was 16 years ago. Add working like a dog, under lots of pressure, divorce, single momness and lack of funds... eating becomes a way to get through the day. To distract myself from unhappiness. As a pastor it is an acceptable addiction...I ate my way through troubles. Eating had little to do with nutrition.

But I am headed in the right direction and much faster than I thought I ever could.

I don't see this "diet" changing at the end of 3 months. I really like it. I feel good. I feel more even, although some days, like today, I am quite tired. But I haven't eaten enough protein in the past few days - to be honest. This past week has been very hot and I've mostly eaten tuna fish sandwiches and eggs. Also there has been lots of stress (I love my mother but whew!!).

The diet is becoming simply the way I eat. I am absolutely not tempted by sugar or salt. Or, and this is the most surprising, my beloved cheese. The one thing I miss is a glass of wine in the evening. That is the one thing that is still very tempting.

Well...maybe I'll become a wino.

Exercising... I know I am not as good at it as most people who do this program. I'm simply very unathletic. Always have been. Was always the kid chosen last for every team. (In grade school they would GIVE me to the other side...free...like an extra...) But I am doing, again, much better than I thought I could.

Monday and Tuesday

Rode my bike for the first time in a while. That was supposed to be my activity but somehow I forgot. It was fun. Fun! I didn't ride too far, just down to the grocery store and back.

Overall I feel stronger. Although the past two days I've also felt very very tired. I think it is the heat, my mother's long visit, and I need a day off. My jobs, being a minister and freelance writing, are both kind of ongoing - there aren't set hours and so I can tend to do them too much. I worry too much. I'm going to worry less. Today I could have driven an hour to "be there" for something that I am not actually needed for. But I am not going to go. Listening to my body.

I'll go for a bike ride instead.

I'm hungry.

Sunday

Sunday was busy. My plan of splitting my jumping didn't happen. I find all these new exercises very challenging. Feel like I'm spending more energy figuring out how to do them than actually doing them well! I like the simple squats, rowing, crunch stuff. There are a few I simply can't do - like the pistol squat. So I try a few but then resort to the regular squat.

All right. Enough whining.

Overall I'm feeling very good. I am continuing to lose weight. Down 10 pounds as of today. And I feel so much stronger. And not worried about hurting my back or something when I pick things up. My posture is better. I'm feeling my body more - and I notice when I'm slumping or sitting in a strange position for too long. I'm much more aware of my physical self. Not so sedentary and intellectual.

Can't believe I am doing this

Okay. I am going to post four pictures - two from when we started and two from today. I am middle aged, and not exactly a pin up model. But I can really see the progress. Of course it helps that in the first pictures I look completely miserable. Which I was at the thought of sending such photos out to strangers. But now you are not strangers and you will understand the work that went into the progress... which, although it is not some kind of fabulous babe - it is more my self - my true body. So here.

and the side view...

Good Heavens

I guess Patrick was talking about me not posting for so many days. Augh!! How did that happen. My mother has been here all week. I was busy, had a very big funeral yesterday. And it has been extremely hot.

Enough whining.

Things are 0kay... I am making progress, slow but sure. I also got my photo thing to work finally - it connects to all the extremely honest pictures on Flickr.

Food is fine. Exercise is fine. My progress is slow but sure.

Yesterday I divided my jumping and managed to do 400 in the morning and 400 at night. So... I know it is still a ways from what I am aiming for, but it is more than I've felt comfortable doing in one run. Knees still feeling good. Lots of stretching.

I am more in my body now. Aware of my posture. More aware of what my body is actually feeling. The diet is great - it seems to have cut out all the external influences that were whipping me into energy or taking me down. Although I have kept coffee, everything else seems like it is giving me slow, steady energy.

I like it very much. It feels "clean."

Yesterday I was in a bakery, looking in the glass case at plates of cookies and brownies and the like. I wasn't even slightly tempted. Odd. I left with a small thing of yogurt and a hard boiled egg. (Vermont bakeries are eclectic.)

My journey is bringing me back from a pretty lost place where my body didn't matter. Two years ago I kind of felt like I was standing at the line of life and death. Not exactly a question of suicide, but rather of what the rest of my life would be. I chose life. Since that time it has been a slow but steady climb back into a body and a life that is happy and healthy. My progress has been slower sometimes than I want. There is so much to balance in my day - single mom, two part time jobs, worries about money and the future, loneliness, and all that junky junk. But I have kept at it.

Today, after I did my exercises I walked down to the thrift store (that's a used clothing store) and there was a Brooks Brothers black silk evening gown, with the original tag still on it ($188). It was beautiful. Simple, elegant, and sleeveless. I tried it on and it fit like a glove. It was $20 and I can't imagine where I am going to wear it. But it is in my closet.

Cheers.

Ritual

I'm guessing we all have a ritual with the exercising rigamarole.

This is mine.

When evening begins to fall and the air turns cool, I go across the street to the high school. There is a place next to the building, a dirt path, in the middle of a bunch of trees, quiet and private, with a picnic table.

I set my list of exercises, water bottle, beloved jump rope, cell phone (in case of heart attack..ha ha...) on the table and then I stretch. Knee stretches...every which way. Hip stretches (they also ache). And then I stop and look for a four leaf clover. An old habit of mine. I often find one.

Today I found one right away.

I jump. I stop every 50 or so jumps and make sure my knees are feeling loose and warm. Sometimes I have to stop for a while and catch my breath. Every 50 I make a mark in the dirt.

When my knees start hurt, I get these little sharp pains, then I take a longer break. I try to jump a bit more but if I get a really strong pain - I stop completely and stretch more.

Then I go through the exercises. I use the picnic table for the incline thing and triceps thing (had to come inside for that double chair thing). When I'm done I lay on the picnic bench and relax.

As I was doing the exercises I kept finding more leaf clovers.

When I lay on the bench I looked at my clovers. My luck. I thought - We make our own luck. We find it if we look for it. We make our own bodies if we try.

So my global comrades...we're making our own luck because we're looking, pushing, pulling, leaping and reaching for it.

Stretched ... not but stretched thin...

Whew. What a week. I over scheduled, over stressed and over extended myself. It was instructive.

So at the end of this incredibly busy week I ended up at a table, set up outside of my friend's house who lives in Brookfield Vermont (she runs a restaurant there actually) by the side of a beautiful lake. Sun going down. And I gave in. I did not do the indulgent thing last week because I spent that week in NYC and drank some wine so I figured that counted. But tonight, the husband of my friend, who is an actual sommelier wine genius person, offers me a glass of low alcohol wine from Spain. Oh my God, I think. Just say no. But I was too fricking tired. I grabbed it and with it a cookie. The cookie was made by Mrs. Jenny Brown for coffee hour at church this morning and I had been so busy this weekend that I hadn't made anything for the July 4th party. So I bought a plate of gingersnap cookies from Mrs. Brown. There I sat with a big beautiful sugary cookie and a glass of cold wine on a hot July 4th night.

Okay. Time for the indulgence.

It was okay. Kind of made me feel sleepy. And my hands and feet got kind of puffy and swollen.

It wasn't really worth it. The evening with friends and lovely lake and great food (grilled chicken, poached salmon, lots of home grown salad...) would have been enough. The food wasn't on my diet but it wasn't "bad." Be honest. The evening with friends would have been enough. Laughing.

So I'm home and heading out to do my jumping at 8:30 PM, sigh. Don't want to go. I don't mind the other exercises but the jumping feels like penance, like punishment. It's just not my thing. None the less. I do as many as I can. When my knees start twinging, around 450, I slow down and then stop if there is any sharper pain. So far that has worked. I can't keep up with the rest of you but my knees are getting stronger and they aren't hurt.

Wish me luck.

Deb

30 Days

End of the Month.

I worked hard yesterday - physically - did the workout - did almost 500 jumps (which is good for me although my right knee started hurting a bit) - went for a bike ride and a walk. Today I am slammed with life. My mother coming, house a mess (16 year old boy similar to 2 year old girl Tara...), copyedit job due, Sunday sermon, wedding on Saturday, meeting with dying man and family and preparing for his funeral, paying bills, sigh... life. No exercise yet and it's almost 5PM and I've still got to drive to Montpelier and get my mom. Sorry to bore you all with the grim details of my life.

Still. Body feeling good. Made incredible Mole Chicken with Zuchini and Peas. Should last for several days.

Triceps thingy on chairs - not so good. Thought arms might snap off.

Roll on...roll on... trying to seize the day.

28 days

Thinking of Elena out in the wilderness of Wisconsin. Searching in vain for the right food.

Thinking of Royce striving in the urbanity of Victoria bagging seeking transcending time and space stretching his Sexaaayyyy self across the aisles of life.

Thinking of Naoko energetically embracing her life and body and path on the shores of Japan, waves lapping, sun sinking.

Thinking of Kowhai down under in Perth, working all too hard, jump rabbiting forever and ever into sleek and slender shape.

Thinking of Tara, carefully juggling her life - domestic goddess - brave stretchy pants wearing mama - considering each step up towards the peak, tears falling, arms lifted in victory.

Thinking of Jenny, honestly tearing through her life, efficiently, intensely headed towards her best form, her peak performance.

What I feel is our effort. Our trying. Our lovely human need to transcend the lethargy of daily life, of simply getting through the day. No. We will have more. We will wipe the slate clean of stimulants that numb us, dumb us and take the day (be it bliss or sorrow) from us.

This effort's goal can't simply be to look good. I feel in all of us that there is more to it. We want to know who we are. And how we relate to food - how we treat our bodies - teaches us so much about who we are. Who we can be.

This urge towards purity and good food is the urge to wake up and emerge out of modern processed pablum which whips our body into some kind of manic frenzy far removed from true peace...we want to wake up and find a joy that is deeper and more sustainable than beer and sugar and salt and big plates of pasta and bowls of cheese and (oops...might be a little mistake to list all these temptations...) all that can offer.

What can this body do? What can it be?

One thing my body cannot do is the V thingy. The V situp is a mystery. But at the beginning I couldn't do the incline pull up. I still don't do it very well. But I can do lunges. Yum...I am the lunge and squat queen. And I stretch well.

HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

As good old Fra Giovanni said in 1513 "No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven! No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within reach, is joy. There is a radiance and glory in the darkness, could we but see, and to see, we have only to look. I beseech you to look."

Friday/Sat/Sun

Quick post. Last two days did not have access to computer.

Am now back home.

Weighed self this morning with great trepidation - what did my week in Nirvana turn me into? A larger person?

Yes. But not by much. A pound. So I didn't lose any weight this past week, but barely gained it. Considering the fact that I was completely out of my regular world I think that's pretty damn good.

Salt is the big thing -- eating out I managed to order healthy food but I'm sure lots of salt was used. It was also very very hot in NYC last week and the two things - heat and salt - led to my body holding onto water.

I'll be interested to see if getting back to the no salt diet will quickly shed that pound and maybe more.

Got to go. I'll be back later to regroup, exercise, study more closely all the emails and blogs from the past week, and take the picture...

Elena and Thursday

Meet Elena, the lioness (sleek and strong - emerging one paw at a time...) today in the middle of the fashion district. We strode through lush lingering flora and fauna (flower district - Chelsea), across crowded streets, pushed through heavy glass doors into the hip coffee place (run by hard core totally cool dudes from Portland, Oregon) got our iced coffee (so legal on PCP) and stood at the window pouring out stories of jumping, sweating, not eating cheese, growing up, what life means, knees and men. Well. It was just great. That's all.

What a world.

What a world.

Elena is looking great. She's completely beautiful in that NYC kind of sophisticated, grounded, paying attention way and she's getting strong - expanding her horizons past salt and butter (the foundation of great restaurants).

My day was good - tons and tons of walking. It's hot as hell here. Ate really quite well if I do say so myself.

No wine, Patrick.

No whine.

Thanks all.

Cheerios from the girl on vacation in the big city.

Wednesday

Okay. Temptations very serious last night - did have a glass of wine. But thankfully went to a greek restaurant and had lemon chicken with veggies. Probably more salt than needed on it - but it was healthy and I felt great!!

Walked miles today. Through Central Park - to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I love this city.

There are lots of healthy places here - seriously. Salads galore. Thai/Greek/chicken wraps at the deli...all kinds of good stuff. And everyone is exercising. (Well... I was in the park... there are some incredibly buff middle aged women running around. I can do it too!)

One nice moment - I was coming down from the roof garden at the MET and the stairwells were walled with mirrors. I caught sight of my legs - and I actually did a double take because there was some muscle there! Some actual (albeit slight) definition. Wow. I watched my calf muscles all the way down the stairs. HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday Tuesday in the big city

I'm in the big city. (Elena I'm in your city!!!) NYC. Having a wonderful time with friends and absolutely surrounded by temptations galore - bagels, french restaurants with cheese platters, wine, sangria, cuban food...ay yi yi.

I have given in a tiny bit - had cuban food last night - but ate a very moderate amount and mostly meat and vegetables.

I must say, in my defense, that my stress level has fallen to a negative 8. I am a lump of happy relaxed flesh. That's got to be good for a person. And my old friends are all very complimentary about how healthy I look and about the PCP thing.

Exercising I'm holding up fairly well on - still keeping the jumping fairly low - I think it is just who I am - but adding walking. We must have walked 50 blocks yesterday.

So... no camera with me. Augh. I'll take a pic when I get back on Saturday.

Happy vacationing energy to everyone.

19 19 19 19 and 20....ahhh

Good day yesterday. Surrounded by temptations. Lots of stress. And yet...I moved forward in the right direction!

I'm off on a trip for a week. This will be a big big challenge but stress wise I'll be relaxed that I'm looking forward to that. Just realized that I probably won't have the means to download a picture on Tuesday. Maybe I can grab a camera... not sure...

Okay. Not much to say today.

Food good. Jumping about half of the requirement - but have added some walking etc... feeling tired, but noble.

Augh!! Day 18

Okay. Hitting the wall. Want something indulgent to eat. Want a bottle of wine. Want a big hunk of cheese and bread. Want a cream puff. Want to lie around and not move for several days.

AUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear.

Well. I'm eating my little chicken/veggie thing for supper. With some avocado on top.

I will focus.

I will focus.

I will focus.

So...how's every one else doing???

16-17

Good heavens I missed a day. Posting that is. I did live it.

V. busy week. Last week of school - my son had a big presentation .. etc.. Lots of deadlines for me. Whew.

I pushed myself on the exercises last night. Beyond my comfort zone. Today I feel heavy and sore and kind of proud of myself. But not sore in a bad way. Knee fine. Back fine.

I went for a walk and felt very tired when I got back. My energy level is low. Maybe the lack of carbs?

I'm headed out to jump. Because jumping has been so tough for me I separate it from the exercises.

Food wise - holding steady. Drinking quite a bit of coffee (with low fat milk...missing my half and half...)

17 days. Whewwwwhoooo!!

The picture

The 15th day. I took the dreaded picture. I actually see some improvement. Seriously. Not tons but some. I am feeling pretty good these days. Now that my knee isn't hurting - I am kind of bounding up steps. Feeling stronger in general. I like eating all the chicken and turkey and tuna. Yum. I also started taking iron after my doctor told my iron stores were low.

Had a wonderful lunch. Stewed lots of onions and garlic in a touch of olive oil (the trick is to cook them for a long time very very slowly) added pieces of turkey and chipolte peppers (canned). Put it on some rice. Oh my gosh. Yum.

You know when you go on a big hike and when you get there you pull out the freeze dried beans and raisins and they taste like the best thing in the world? I think this diet is kind of like that with me. I'm hungry. It's healthy. It's there. And it tastes so good! My taste buds are getting accustomed.

I've had a tough week emotionally and I can feel myself wanting to self-soothe..to calm ...to make it all better...by eating something and curling up in a ball and not moving. I can see it. That is a great victory right there. To be aware of my pattern. Wow.

Thank you all for being out there some where.

One day at a time.

Deb

Sunday the 13th day

Such a busy day I forgot to post!

First - missed breakfast due to hectic circumstances.

Second - big day at church...baptism of gorgeous baby...complicated service...hectic

Third - invited over to lunch.

Fourth - hectic running back across the state to get son and all that.

Fifth - hectic and nerve wracking day working with my son on his big presentation for Monday.

So. In the incredibly hectic and driven day of Sunday, the 13th, how did I do?

Pretty damn well if I say so myself.

Food -

Madly grabbed a scone at this bakery on the way to Williamstown. (not so good but at least I didn't go completely hungry as usual)

Did not eat any of the sugar laden coffee hour offerings downstairs after church.

Went to lunch where they made the most healthy fabulous salad, turkey sandwiches and drank lots of water.

Had an apple in the afternoon. And a long nap.

Had a tuna/watercress sandwich for supper. Ate the entire can of tuna. Yum.

Exercised and jumped 350 jumparoonies with little or no knee pain.

Sleep like tired baby.

So. Not perfection but we are not going for perfection - we are going for peak. I did pretty well within a stressful, performance laden day.

A poem by Mary Oliver for this little group who is on the journey together. (Royce - your recent post about the naysayers brought this to mind.)

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

© Mary Oliver

Mexican Restaurant

Last night I had a big challenge. I went out with a friend to a mexican restaurant. Big big big temptation....chips...margaritas...you know the whole thing...big bowls of cheese. All my old friends lined up in front of me.

Okay.

Confession.

I had a little bit of a margarita (with no salt) - just sipped a couple times from my friend's gigantic glass.

Otherwise - oh my I was am shall be the paragon of PCP virtue.

Not a chip.

Not a speck of cheese.

I ordered chicken and veggies - there was certainly some salt but not a lot - I ate the chicken and the surrounding onions and tomatoes. It was flavorful and I think not too off the beaten path.

Can you believe - not one chip!!!! Usually, and I am not kidding, I eat the whole basket. By myself. Preferably with a large bowl of melted cheese at my side. And two margaritas. And then cheese enchiladas with cheese on top.

I felt so proud of myself! And I think I had an impact on my friend. She kind of bypassed the chips and only ate half of her huge platter of dinner. I told her all about the diet and she seemed quite impressed by my sudden ability to make good choices.

Ha!

11 11 11 11 11

Wow. Eleven days. Time passes when you're havin' fun.

Is this fun?

Kind of. I'm starting to get acclimated. Knee better. Back to jumping (not yet caught up with my more nubile teammates) but still... Doing the other exercises. Huffing and puffing. Eating chicken chicken chicken and not any salt. And lots of veggies.

I think it may be the salt but I seem to be less puffy. I've lost some pounds - about 5 - and it seems like my body is a bit tighter.

The soreness factor over all is still present. It makes me feel kind of slow - and very aware of my muscles.

I had to move this big futon thing - clumsy and heavy - and normally I would have waited for someone to help me but I surprised myself by grabbing it and (with great effort) moving it. I felt strong. I felt like - hey I can do this.

I can do this.

Day Ten

My knee is so so so much better today. Whew. Lots of stretching and doing the exercises to strengthen the muscles. I didn't jump today - but I will tomorrow. I did extra exercises.

Lots of chicken. Yum. Feeling pretty energetic over all.

Did have some serious sugar craving this afternoon. Not sure why - I'm not really that big of a sugar eater. But I wanted a big bar of chocolate. Or a soft ice cream cone. The waves of wanting passed and I came through - pure!

Nine

Day Nine

Supper: chicken poached in onions/garlic/lemon juice/rosemary with little carrots and broccoli. Yum yum yum.

Got some good info on my knee from a PCP veteran. Lots of stretching needed. Evidently it can get better! Who knew. So I'm feeling much more hopeful today. I did some jumping but not too much. I decided to dance - just kind of crazy dance to Stevie Wonder for about 15 minutes - with lots of arms and not too much jumping on my knee. It was really fun. I got nice and winded and even sweat a little bit! Patrick will come up with something to substitute if I don't get better quickly but for today - I'm okay. I did some extra situps and leg up things.

And took my picture. What drama - camera not working - lots of technical difficulties but mostly my own uncomfortableness with my body. So I sat down once I actually got a picture that was not too dark and looked at myself. All right I'm chubby. I look a little like a cheap russian mail order bride. The look on my face is one of "I hope no one sees this." But you know what - I'm all there - it's me - every lump comes from some experience - every pound of me is hard earned. And I could look a lot worse. I'm not going to hate my body. It's a good body and I'm glad to be in it. Am I brave to show my stomach with all its buddha like softness? Yes. Like someone's mother (Elena? Tara?) noted - in typical American woman fashion - it takes courage to show oneself if one doesn't look like a fricking fashion model. My stomach may not always be so soft but I thank it for going through operations as a kid and having a kid as an adult and for being mine all these years.

That said, it will be fun to see if I can regain some strength and muscle and solidity along with the soft feminine curves of my body.

We shall see.

Good peaking everyone.

Tuesday Day 8 Week two oh forgot to take picture

It's late and I just realized I forgot to take a picture. The first one was so traumatic that I'm sure I've blocked out taking any more. I'll do it in the morning. However lumpy and huge my body looks I must remember that it is pretty great to have all four limbs and the ability to run around and feel and all that.

Speaking of which, I did all my exercises, except for the jumping and the inclining thing. Don't have a bar yet. I jumped about 100 again - my knee is still hurting quite a bit. Not sure if I should push past the pain. In the moment it seemed like my body was yelling at me to stop. I'm pretty sore in general but most of it is a good kind of sore. So I came back inside and did some more situps and pushups to make up for the lack of bounding around like a happy little rabbit.

Wow am I full. Feast after famine! I feel good. I like being full. I did not have the afternoon snack. But I ate good food - broccoli, rice, eggs, good wholegrain bread, apple, milk, edamame, black beans. I feel great. No sugar. No salt. I seasoned the edamame with grated ginger and some lemon. They were a little weird but it was okay. Black beans were cooked with onion, garlic and chipolte peppers. Yum.

Feeling good.

Monday Morning So Good to Me

All right. A new start. Knee feeling better. Did exercises - very gently did about 50 jumps.

This is the last day of half. Right?

A great quote from a novel by James Baldwin that I'm reading (Giovanni's Room):

"But people can't, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life."

There is so much of life that is not a choice. It is a given. Given.

Within it all, however, within the social and genetic mooring that is set in stone, there are choices. Like that great serenity quote, the trick is to figure out which is which. What parts of our life can be freed up and pushed down the river for the journey, and what parts are permanent.

My body feels so permanent, and some of its qualities are. Skin color, sex, overall genetic structure, height, bone structure. But within that, there are elements that are fluid. What my muscles shape into. What I feel. How my tendons stretch. How I move. Who I become as a result of the health of my body or the lack there of.

Within the givens of my body there are fluidities - choices. This present experience - PCP- is a chance for me to meet the part of me that is open to change. Not to master myself or punish myself. But to begin to know myself in a new way. The journey of my body.

Mooring. I came into this world and was placed in a physical form (one way to look at it). Have I let that form rule me too much? Have I been overwhelmed by the solid nature, the mooring of my body? Who am I within this vessel? Do I have choices? Or have I become lost in here..in this flesh?

Choices. The world of freedom and journey.

I have made the big choice to learn more about this mortal shell. The little choices speak to me moment by moment. My challenge is not to be overwhelmed, or shamed, but to learn and find my way one choice at a time.

Sunday Morning Ouch

Woke in the night with a very sore left knee. This morning I had to limp around. I have decided not to jump today but I did double exercises. Half this morning and the other half I finished this afternoon.

We had children's day at church and a big picnic potluck afterwards. Luckily there were some healthy things (unusual...) like watermelon, tomatoes, broccoli salad and deviled eggs. I had a small plate and am feeling pretty energetic although my knee is still hurting.

Of course I'm over reacting - thinking that I am much too out of shape to do this program... I used to be pretty healthy and then had a rough patch in my life when I became kind of a recluse and ate a lot and fell into a big mudpit of sadness. That landed me in a not so good place. But I faced the music, decided to choose life and lost about 35-40 pounds in the past two years. I started exercising and have kept it pretty consistently 2-3 times a week. I'm proud of the progress I've made, considering where I've come from! Still... insecurity.

I will rest my knee.

I will take my time and do my best.

I am doing the best I can.

My little mantra - I'm doing the best I can.

Okay team. Thanks for being so very encouraging! I'll catch up...one step at a time.

Deb

The Fox

Okay I went and jumped what I did not jump last night.

My relationship to my body was strongly shaped by being a very ill child. My body was a source of pain and the general message I got was that I was weak and needed to be protected. I held on to that message and am still holding on to it.

Last night when I simply could not jump more than 5, or so it seemed, I felt so ashamed. How can I be so weak, so weak-willed, I thought as I wandered back to my apartment... What is wrong with me?

This morning I went back out - it had been raining all night. The baseball diamond where I jump was damp. I started in. I was doing pretty well. 30 at a time. Then on one rest this fox appears out of the woods. A flock of crows was flying over it - kind of diving down at it every now and the. It was a red fox, but it looked pretty scroungy. Kind of a greying red fox. Like me.

It trotted across the wide field, stopping to look at me once or twice. Then the crows lifted up and the fox slipped back into the woods.

I was kind of a fox when I was young - red hair, pretty, an actress in NYC for my "youth". Now I am greying, a boring old minister, a woman losing her looks (which is tough when one has depended upon them a little too much over the years). I'm a scroungy greying red fox.

But that fox kept going. And I picked up my jumprope and jumped 60 straight through.

I want a new relationship with my body. One that is not based in fear (childhood) or in the opinion of others (pretty fox attracting men). I want to feel good. Healthy. To be strong for my own reasons. To move into my middle and later years with positive energy and not with the baggage that I am presently dragging around.

Not so good...

This was a tough day. I am hungry and I worked on a friend's garden for too long in the hot sun. And there were some emotional things - and I found myself standing in front of the ice cream place that I often stop at on the way back from my friend's house up in the Champlain islands. I got a small one. It was still pretty big. So big cheating for the day.

But when I came to the exercises last night, I literally was so sore and uncoordinated that I could only jump half - mostly because I just kept tripping over the rope and so I finally gave up. I did the other exercises promising myself I'd jump extra tomorrow.

It wasn't a sterling day.

half a protein drink

half a tuna sandwich

an entire soft ice cream cone dipped in chocolate

half a hamburger and a few french fries

half the allotted jumping

sigh

60 five times

300

Yahoo! All right I did them in 30's. Psychologically it seemed more manageable. But I did them with both feet and I wasn't as exhausted by the final 30 as I thought I would be. Again - the problem is running out of breath. I loved Patrick's email today which pointed out how these are effective because they are low effort - and burn fat. Will I ever get there? Yes. I will. One jump at a time.

As for food. I am hungry.

Coffee with touch of half and half

half a protein drink (whey powder, milk, no fat yogurt, banana)

half the meal at the nice thai restaurant place (chicken satay and veggies)

a small piece of cheese, an apple and about 3 cups of coffee with very very little half and half in them

I am hungry.

So the globe turns away from the sun for those of us in the eastern time zone.

I was on the baseball diamond, jumping from first base to second, kicking up the dust, counting. And I thought - just let me get to second base. Which made me laugh and then I forgot how hard the jumping was for a minute.

Thinking of you all. Jumping. Jumping. Wherever you are.

It is late. Day two. I kept putting off the exercise. I got most of the stuff - resistance bands - jump rope (yesterday I used an extension cord). Finally, at dusk, I headed across the street to the empty baseball diamond and started jumping. It was easier. (Not easy mind you...) Yesterday I was shocked by how hard it was. So today I thought it was going to be horrific but I just went slowly, took long breaks between the sets and I did it! Not in any fine fashion...lots of tripping up...panting...leaning over and breathing hard...rolling my eyes...but I did it.

And yes, those leg lift thingys are really hard. Maybe because they were last.

My diet today:

Breakfast: half a protein drink for breakfast (protein powder, yogurt, banana, milk, ice) and two cups of coffee with less half and half than usual.

Lunch: Small serving of last night's chick pea curry for lunch

Snack: A couple of crackers and some cream cheese.

Supper: 1 chicken taco.

Then I got really hungry after I exercised and ate some chips and salsa. I was starving. I stopped myself before I ate too many and drank some coffee instead. I was still hungry so I took a shower. Finally the hunger has abated. Sleep is calling me.

The exercise is hard because I am running out of breath. I think my cardiovascular level is low low low low. It wasn't so much that my muscles wore out. Just my breathing.

Okay.

This is so cool. I'm already so glad I'm doing this. Life is short. Seize the day and shake it.