My relationship to my body was strongly shaped by being a very ill child. My body was a source of pain and the general message I got was that I was weak and needed to be protected. I held on to that message and am still holding on to it.
Last night when I simply could not jump more than 5, or so it seemed, I felt so ashamed. How can I be so weak, so weak-willed, I thought as I wandered back to my apartment... What is wrong with me?
This morning I went back out - it had been raining all night. The baseball diamond where I jump was damp. I started in. I was doing pretty well. 30 at a time. Then on one rest this fox appears out of the woods. A flock of crows was flying over it - kind of diving down at it every now and the. It was a red fox, but it looked pretty scroungy. Kind of a greying red fox. Like me.
It trotted across the wide field, stopping to look at me once or twice. Then the crows lifted up and the fox slipped back into the woods.
I was kind of a fox when I was young - red hair, pretty, an actress in NYC for my "youth". Now I am greying, a boring old minister, a woman losing her looks (which is tough when one has depended upon them a little too much over the years). I'm a scroungy greying red fox.
But that fox kept going. And I picked up my jumprope and jumped 60 straight through.
I want a new relationship with my body. One that is not based in fear (childhood) or in the opinion of others (pretty fox attracting men). I want to feel good. Healthy. To be strong for my own reasons. To move into my middle and later years with positive energy and not with the baggage that I am presently dragging around.
Woot! I'm so proud of you, red fox.
ReplyDeleteYou're not losing your looks at all! Maybe your looks are changing, but depending on how you wear it, age can be a beautiful thing. And, you are certainly a beautiful woman.
I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I was sick a lot as a child, frequently hospitalized for asthma and told not to exercise by well-meaning doctors and parents. Even though I'm much healthier now, I still carry that fear about doing too much and being unable to trust my body. I've been working on it a lot over the years and I would assume you have too, in order to be able to take on the PCP. I'm reminding myself all the time that I have to do the opposite of my habit many, many times in order to change the habit. It sounds like you're really in touch with your motivation so that will help as things get tougher. You're doing great, foxy lady!
ReplyDeleteThat was a beautiful post Deborah.
ReplyDeleteThe fox was just there to motivate you, and it did. Thank ya fox.
Good job though!!! You'll be jump roping with ease in no time!
Glad your doing the PCP, Deborah. Just keep at it and the jumping does get easier. There are still days when I feel really uncoordinated at jumping, but perseverance is key.
ReplyDeleteMeryl Streep and that red fox are good images you've picked to push you through!
Good job Deborah! just think how great you are going to feel as we get further into the PCP! P.s i agree with Jenny, you are not losing your looks at all! Ms foxy lady!
ReplyDeleteI thank you because what you are saying is exactly how I feel and why I started PCP. I want to feel good, healthy, strong. I too want to move into my middle and later years with positive energy and not with the baggage that I am presently dragging around.
ReplyDeleteYou have me! We can do it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvMMznRpn6g&feature=related
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